Today I was planning on covering the Libertarian Presidential debate much like I covered yesterday’s Vice Presidential debate, but in true Libertarian fashion, the party moved the debate from 6 pm (as it appears on the party’s website) to 9 am (long before any respectable Libertarian is even awake).
Although I was mildly annoyed, I decided that I could watch a video of the debate and still do an article. Here’s as far as I got:
*click*
This is (still) not a serious political party.
If anybody DOES want to watch the whole thing, you can find it here. Let me know how it went.
Former president Donald Trump is speaking to the convention tonight (I see a lot of “Free Ross” signs in the crowd), and I’ll be covering the event as Trump — the best, most spectacular version of Trump, in fact. You’re just gonna love it. Is this the best thing you’ve ever read? I don’t know, we’ll have to see. I bet it’s wonderful.
Hello everybody, I’m very honored to be the first president to speak at the Libertarian convention. The first and the best, for sure. The government has been trying to lock me up for a couple years, so if I wasn’t a libertarian before, I am now! Some might say I’m the greatest libertarian ever.
You guys are smart, so you know Joe Biden is the worst president ever — even worse than Jimmy Carter! We need freedom, not Marxism! Teaching kids Marxism is child abuse! No more endless wars, the military should be defending America, the greatest country with the greatest former president ever. We agree that government is the problem, so you should vote for me!
With your help, we can defeat Joe Biden, who’s destroying America! Why isn’t he here, by the way? Because he can’t even talk! We can’t let him win ladies and gentlemen, we must work together — otherwise Joe Biden will spy on you and throw you in jail, trust me, I know.
I’m the best hope of defeating Joe Biden and his evil empire, so you should vote for me! The Libertarian Party can make the difference — by not voting for the Libertarian Party. We’d be unstoppable! Well, I would be unstoppable and you would still be smelly hippies.
When I was president we didn’t have any more wars. I beat the neocons and North Korea basically all at once. But when Biden “won”, suddenly there’s attacks everywhere!
When I was president, I withdrew from a bunch of bogus stuff, like the Paris Accord and the WHO! Thanks to me, everybody knows the media is fake!
Some Libertarians even think I should be the nominee of the Libertarian Party! You should do that if you want to win. Maybe you don’t wanna win — you could just keep getting 3% every four years.
We should talk a little about how great I am. I’m the first nominee to ever show up at another party’s convention. Maybe you should nominate me, I guess? You’re gonna vote for me anyway — I’ll put libertarians in my Cabinet, honest!
Isn’t that a great deal? Way better than getting 3% again, isn’t it? Vote for me, the greatest accidental libertarian in the history of the world. I cut taxes, you guys hate taxes — LIBERTARIAN!
You guys like a good economy, I had the best economy — LIBERTARIAN!
You guys hate regulations, I cut regulations — LIBERTARIAN!
You guys hate inflation, I had low inflation — LIBERTARIAN!
But Biden ruined all that — what a loser. Not like Donald Trump, who had the best presidency in the history of the country. I shut down DEI but let people take experimental drugs. What a great policy.
Did I mention that I made NATO pay up? Yeah, I did that. BILLIONS of dollars, everybody. Plus so much other libertarian stuff I can’t even list it all here.
When I win again, I’m gonna smash the deep state. Remember James Comey? I fired that dude and lots more people…..but not Tony Fauci. Maybe I’ll get him next time. Joe Biden just goes after his political opponents, but if I win we’ll finish the job of firing my political opponents.
Also when I win, we’ll pardon the January 6th hostages AND Ross Ulbricht. He’s served too long and we’re gonna bring him home when we smash the deep state. I will ban the government from censoring you — it seems like there should be some sort of rule against that, right?
Joe Biden wants to raise your taxes, but I’ll make the Trump tax cuts — the biggest and greatest tax cuts in history — permanent. Also I’ll blow up that stupid electric vehicle mandate, who thought that was a good idea?
Elizabeth Warren wants your bitcoin, but I’ll stop her just like I’ll stop the CBDC. I’m gonna close the border AND end the war in Ukraine — before I even take office! That’s how good I am, people. Without me, it’ll be World War III — but I can stop it like Ironman.
Joe Biden is trying to sell us out to the WHO, he shouldn’t be allowed to do that! But if he does do that, I’ll rip all the crap up. Speaking of ripping stuff up, how about the Department of Education? Blow it all up, and keep your guns!
In conclusion, this is THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION EVER — and if you want to actually win, you have to vote for me. Then you can come see me in the White House — stay inside the velvet ropes, please.
TRUMP 2024 — DRAIN THE SWAMP!
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The full speech:
This is hilarious and so true.
But let's give the Libertarian party credit for having both Trump and RFK as speakers. And the same for Trump and RFK attending.
I would qualify as Libertarian... but also a pragmatist. I can see a kernel of pragmatism lately without compromising ideals. Sometimes Libertarians shut down conversation by getting hung up on stupid issues
I'm not one for selling out...but right now is the time to make allies and to compromise on incidentals without compromising on a Libertarians core foundation:
Personal sovereignty and responsibility.
Both can be done and now is the opportunity to meet those ends by "compromising", for example, with folks who don't think we should be inviting an invasion of replacements.
Otherwise we'll just continue treading water at an empty platform....talking to ourselves.
This is actually a smart strategy by Trump. The Libertarian Party has been a thorn in the side of Republican presidential candidates for years. If Biden were smart, he would speak to the Greens, but they hate him even more than the Libertarians hate Trump.