The "Great" GOP Debate, Round Two
Two hours of blah reduced to like 15 minutes of blah - but with kittens
I bet you forgot tonight was the second Republican primary debate! (I know I sure did.) It’s been just over a month since the GOP Gaggle gathered for the cameras; since that time, the race has remained functionally unchanged: Donald Trump is running away with it. Due to a burst of mother nature, softball is cancelled tonight and I’m able to follow along with the circus and hopefully spew out something entertaining and readable.
Tonight’s debate lineup includes: North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum, former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley, former Vice President Mike Pence, Vivek Ramaswamy, and Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina.
(To dive deeper into the candidates or to see what happened in the last debate, check out my article below:)
Asa Hutchinson participated in the first debate but did not qualify for tonight’s, while frontrunner Donald Trump once again refused to attend.
Welcome to the Reagan library! Remember Ronald Reagan? Those were the days, right? One of these candidates could be the next Ronald Reagan! Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan!
Once again, we’re going to keep answers to one minute, because we’re incredibly dumb.
Today our nation is drowning in incivility, should we kill those idiots on the other side or just hang them up by their toenails? Those idiot Democrats are real idiots. Now let’s talk about Ronald Reagan. Would you fire government employees, Tim Scott?
Scott: Oh yeah. They’re lazy AF. They always want more cash for less work. Who does that? Also, how was everybody’s autumn recess? I love South Carolina in the fall. Also, Biden sucks on the border and fentanyl! He needs to get the job done!
We’re not talking about the border right now. Vivek, do you agree with Senator Scott about firing people?
Ramaswamy: Yeah, but it’s not the workers’ fault. I’d tell them to protest DC. (Editor’s note: This is NOT a good idea.) Cut regulations and grow the economy! Capitalism rules and so does America!
The CEOs of auto companies make way more than the workers, and that’s just an example of inequality. How can you support both sides, Mike Pence?
Pence: “Joe Biden belongs on the unemployment line.” (Disappointed look at the amount of applause this receives) Bidenomics sucks, the Green New Deal sucks, energy policy sucks, everything sucks.
Scott: We all think Joe Biden needs to be fired — that’s why we’re running for president. When I was growing up I wondered about the American dream, but now I sleep with benjamins stuffed in my pajamas!
Haley: The reason workers are struggling is inflation. Eliminate some gas taxes and put money back in the pockets of Americans! Make the small biz tax cuts permanent!
Burgum: YOU WILL LET ME TALK NOW! EXCUSE ME! The reason everybody’s picketing is because the government’s making idiotic decisions, like subsiding electric vehicles. It’s Joe Biden’s fault!
Governor Christie, government will shut down soon. If that happens, should voters blame populist Republicans?
Christie: Blame everybody. They all spent too much — they already failed. We don’t get answers because Biden hides in the basement and Trump hides behind his golf club walls.
DeSantis: DC is killing the American dream. They printed and spent and we’re left paying the cost. Biden is always missing in action, but do you know who else is missing in action?
Christie: Uh….Donald Trump, like I just said?
DaSantis: Donald Trump! I will veto all the bills!
Childcare costs are through the roof! Soon, pandemic-era assistance to day cares will end. ARE YOU A MONSTER or are you going to help the children?
Scott: I wanted to extend the assistance, but the other meanies in Washington didn’t let me. Since we can’t, we have to cut taxes. Let people keep their money instead of letting DC spend it all. How’s that been working out?
Ramaswamy: Hey, we’re all good people here. The divide is between us good people and the other people! (Said everybody ever)
Burgum: YOU WILL LET ME TALK NOW! YOU WILL LET ME TALK! YOU WILL LET ME TALK!
Moving right along, let’s talk about Ronald Reagan. He granted amnesty to illegals, something nobody else did. How are you going to be like Ronald Reagan on this issue?
Christie: We can’t do anything like that anymore because we’ve been ignoring the issue for too long. Biden said he’d ignore the border, and he has. I’ll send the National Guard, and if you come here illegally, we’ll send you home! Trump failed on the border, he didn’t even build the wall!
We’ve all seen the drone footage of people streaming across the border. We spend money on address the core issue of immigration, but nothing helps. WTF?
Haley: We told everybody to come, so they came. This isn’t rocket science — even I understand it! Border patrol can’t do anything!
What about that spending, though?
Haley: The only money should be to secure the border! Joe Biden sucks!
Governor DeSantis, China is investing in our southern neighbors. Are you cool with that?
DeSantis: Hell no! We hollowed out our industry and let China take over. Dummies. We should ban the CCP from buying land! China is gonna pass us, and we’re all gonna suffer! Unless I’m president, of course.
Ramaswamy you want to deport everybody. How is that legal?
Ramaswamy: End birthright citizenship! The Constitution doesn’t actually say what they are telling you that it says. Not everybody born here is automatically a citizen!
Tim Scott, why is Vivek wrong?
Scott: This was about slavery, not immigration. Also, aren’t you in bed with the CCP? How can you say I’m paid off?
Ramaswamy: You’re a good person, the system just tainted you. Ron is right about the CCP.
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Mike Pence, DREAMers pay taxes. What would your solution be?
Pence: Remain in Mexico was all me. We built the wall and reduced illegal immigration. Everybody knows that, and I can do it again! That other guy who’s leading in the polls doesn’t know how to do it! I actually did it, but everybody is just all “yapyapyapyapyap”. I’m ready on day one!
Next up: RISING CRIME IN OUR HELLHOLE CITIES!
Welcome back. Philadelphia is a shithole! You know about shitholes, Governor Christie. What would you do?
Christie: I’ve been involved in crime for years. I broke crime records. We need law and order back everywhere! Donald Trump should be here, but I know he’s watching! I know you’re watching, Donald! You’re CHICKEN! We’re gonna call you Donald DUCK!
DeSantis: Crime means we can’t even go out to dinner! People never used to get mugged. When my DAs sucked, I told ‘em to take a hike! We need law and order over crime and disorder!
Police recruitment is down record numbers. How are you gonna get more police?
Haley: You take care of the people who take care of you. If the police arrest somebody and they’re out of jail right away, WTF! I’m gonna take the rest of my time to talk about China! Buy American, not Chinese!
Gun violence is unique to the United States. How are going to solve this, Doug Burgum?
Burgum: They keep going after gun owners, but not the people who are actually terrorizing others on the streets. Defunding the police doesn’t work. Why would you be a policeman now?
Mr. Ramaswamy, how will you stop fentanyl from coming in?
Ramaswamy: Gotta secure the border. The cartels can drive trucks through the border! That’s crazy! Social media is just as addictive as drugs! Stop both! I’ll do it — unlike Joe Biden, who sucks!
DeSantis: That’s why I’m gonna use the military to go after the drug cartels! We’ll do all that other Trump stuff, too, but mostly we’re gonna light ‘em up!
Pence, you promised to repeal Obamacare……..so why didn’t you?
Pence: I want to answer the last question. I’m tired of mass shootings.
So is Obamacare here to stay?
Pence: Oh yeah. Donald Trump has an evil plan, but when I’m president I will have a better plan. Return the stuff to the states that should be done by the states!
Governor DeSantis, why are so many people in your state uninsured?
DeSantis: What a dumb question. People can’t afford food and rent — of course they aren’t paying for crappy insurance that nobody wants. We gotta get rid of all the Biden stuff and then things will be great. Healthcare right now is about big pharma.
Why is your state worse than the national average for uninsured, though?
DeSantis: We don’t subsidize insurance.
Governor Haley, healthcare accounts for 2/3 of all American bankruptcies. (press X to doubt) What you gonna do about it?
Haley: The whole system sucks. You can’t find any prices and regulations are through the roof. Remove certificate of need laws (wow this is twice I’ve agreed with Haley tonight!), and rebuild a new system!
Burgum: Price went out of control when government got involved, just like everything else government touches. It all turns to poo.
Next up, we talk about government’s role in education!
Education in America sucks. How would you help, Nikki Haley?
Haley: SCHOOL CHOICE. We’re stuck sending our children to crappy schools! Transparency, too! You shouldn’t wonder what teachers are talking to your kids about — have you seen LibsofTikTok?!?!
Minority students did terribly in your state, Chris Christie. What about THAT?
Christie: It was worse before I got there. The truth is the teachers’ unions run the education system, so of course education sucks. Jill Biden sucks!
Ron DeSantis, you said hurtful things about slaves — like that it made them stronger. Defend yourself, racist!
DeSantis: That’s a Kamala Harris lie! That was other people who said that! Education in Florida is super awesome, and you could ask Ronald Reagan if he were here today.
Scott: There was nothing good about slavery. We survived slavery and it made us stronger! But then government came in and ruined the black family! America is not a racist country!
Mr. Ramaswamy, kids can change their identity without parents’ consent! WTF!
Ramaswamy: It’s a mental disorder. You have to address the issue at the core! We’ll ban it all! Parental rights for all! Well, for all parents.
Burgum: This is a state issue, not a national issue. The reason things in my state are great is because I’m great. So if I’m president then I’ll be great and then your life will be great.
But what about the parental rights issue?
Burgum: Did you not listen to me last debate when I said “10th Amendment!!!!”? State issue!
Vice President Pence, violence against The Community are up! How would you stop that?
Pence: I stand up for all the rights of all the people. But really I want to answer the last question about education since you brought up my wife and the jerk that she sleeps with. It used to be that you needed a permission slip for Tylenol, but now you can cut off your boobs without parent permission. WTF! Ban it all!
China is investing in big tech! Why do you want to cut the legs off Google and Meta?
DeSantis: Because they’re spying on us for the government, duh! If we have a good economy, then we’ll beat China.
Governor Christie, what would you tell workers who lost their jobs to AI to do now?
Christie: There will be new jobs, and I don’t know what they will be, but they will be there. We can’t be afraid of innovation, and what’s more innovative than something that almost sort of sounds like a real person. Can you think of anything, Mike Pence?
Mr. Ramaswamy, TikTok is banned on American government devices, but you ate dinner with TikTok people! WHAT SAY YOU, SIR?
Ramaswamy: We have to win to deal with this problem, and I’m the only one that can win with the TikTok crowd. I’ll have the best and brightest around me! That’s what Donald Trump did, and I think some of those guys are kicking around here somewhere.
Haley: TikTok is dangerous, and I feel dumber every time I hear you talk, Vivek. TikTok man over here isn’t gonna protect your data! We can’t trust China man!
Ramaswamy: Now that we’re insulting me, I think we shouldn’t insult one another!
Governor DeSantis, Putin assassinates people across the globe! Isn’t that terrible? Who would ever do such a thing?
Why are we spending money on Ukraine?
DeSantis: It’s a pretty good question. Why are we spending money on small businesses in Ukraine but not America?
Scott: ACTUALLY, most of the money is just a loan, so it’s actually fine. We need to degrade the Russian military, and there’s no possible way that the Russian military is thinking the same thing about us.
Ramaswamy: We should be honest…..
Haley: YOU LOVE RUSSIA
Ramaswamy: We’re just driving them to China, dummy!
Pence: If you let Russia win, then China will take Taiwan!
Russia and China are teaming up, should we worry about this, Governor Christie?
Christie: Yeah, Joe Biden sucks! He cuddled up to Putin, like Donald Trump! Putin won’t stop at Ukraine! He’s gonna take all of Europe! We have to stop him!
I just noticed Doug Burgum is still here. Mister Burgum, how would you stop China from punishing farmers?
Burgum: We’re in all kinds of war with China already. Cyberattack, economic attack, all the time, China China China. Joe Biden sucks and he’s bought. China loves Iran, too! Ukraine to Russia, Taiwan to China, we’re handing out Europe like it’s candy! Climate policy is the issue, not climate change!
Nikki Haley, you said you’re gonna attack the cartels. So boots on the ground?
Haley: Special ops. You won’t even know we were there. Except the giant explosions. Trump didn’t hate China enough, and that’s why China is running spy rings! I’ll shut ‘em down, even if I have to work overtime!
In 2000, nobody asked the Presidential candidates about Al-Qaida. What unforeseen things are you foreseeing right now, Senator Scott?
Scott: Oh, I’m all over the fentanyl crisis. I would have caught Al-Qaida with the intelligence that we had, by the way.
Pence: Yes, experience is important, and I happen to have a lot of it. Way more than that other guy. More like Ronald Reagan. That’s me, Mike “Ronald Reagan” Pence. The most qualified person is still me!
We’ll be back after this!
Oh no, it’s still going…….time for a drink.
Welcome back to the Reagan library, where we honor Ronald Reagan.
Mr. Ramaswamy, how would you deal with energy and food prices?
Ramaswamy: Put people back to work. We’re paying people to stay at home, and that’s dumb. Also, smack down the FED! I’ll slash government employees and regulations!
Pence: When I was in office, I did all that, and stuff was great. It was because of me, Mike Pence — not that other guy. That other guy lost to Joe Biden, who sucks. We’re gonna unleash all this American energy. I’ll just be gushing out of the ground like….well, I can’t say what it’s like because I’m Mike Pence.
Haley: Energy security is national security, so we gotta deal with that! DeSantis is a snake! He banned fracking and offshore drilling!
DeSantis: I trade with Texas for my energy, not Moscow. You’d know that if you still had a state. Nikki Haley lies. The voters banned fracking and offshore drilling.
Governor DeSantis, Joe Biden wants to forgive student loans and you attack him for that. How does that make college affordable?
DeSantis: Colleges will focus on stuff that matters. But since we brought up 9/11, that’s why I joined the military. Then I came back and chose to serve my country. I’m basically an American hero if you really think about it.
Senator Scott, the national debt has almost doubled during your time in office. Why should you be the CEO of America instead of Haley?
Scott: We need a balanced budget amendment! Reduce spending! Create jobs in energy, in factories, and help people!
Haley: Why haven’t you done any of that, one guy in the Senate?
DeSantis: Let’s be honest, I’m the only winner here. When it comes down it, you want me on that wall. YOU NEED ME ON THAT WALL. They just yapyapyap about it.
Ramaswamy: Zero base budgeting is a good start. Government always increases budgets no matter what. Dumb dumb dumb.
Burgum: I’m already doing all the stuff these guys are talking about! That’s why North Dakota is the best state in the country! We’re fighting Biden already, and we’re winning! About time you guys caught up!
Big government keeps getting bigger. 20% of new jobs are in government. How would you actually cut government?
Burgum: This isn’t rocket science. You cut the government. A million bureaucrats in DC and you can’t figure this out?
The election could be really really close — unlike the cleanest election ever in 2020 — and it could come down to abortion. Why aren’t you gonna lose votes on this issue, Ron DeSantis?
DeSantis: Abortion isn’t why we lost the midterms. Donald Trump isn’t here, and the democrats are crazy.
Christie, is it possible to win on abortion?
Christie: Sure, if you’re a leader like me. I was in a blue state and flipped it…..umm……blue. But I fought hard to make this decision at the state level, but I was out of a job way before 2022. But more than abortion, we need to talk about drug addicts as well! Drug Addict Lives Matter!
VP Pence, Hispanic voters hate Republicans. Let’s assume all Hispanic voters are the same. How will you reach them?
Pence: I’ll fight for every American!
Scott: Just lead by example. Who’s the best example setter on the stage? It’s me! Now let’s ignore this question and rip Nikki Haley! She spent money on curtains!
Haley: That’s misinformation, by the way. I only signed the gas tax after I got other stuff. Everybody needs curtains. They were there when I got there. You’re reaching, bro.
Another break…….which means more debate 😭
Time for the lightning round!
It’s clear that if you guys all stay in, Trump wins. Who should be voted off the island?
DeSantis: That’s dumb.
If you won’t answer that, how are you gonna beat Trump?
DeSantis: Voters will decide. We delivered in Florida, so I can win in Iowa.
Governor Christie, you wrote somebody’s name down. Who was it?
Christie: This is a no-brainer. Trump! He’s not even here! The Orange Man is bad because he’s divisive! The media would leave me alone if I were president, that’s for sure!!
Ramaswamy: Trump was a good president, but America First belongs to everybody! Who’s gonna take the agenda and run with it? I’m the next generation of MAGA!
We’re done. We’re done. We’re done. Everybody stop talking.
Afraid of commitment? Buy me a coffee on Ko-fi — no subscription required!
Completed the journey. Thanks for the services, and interkittens.
Have you seen "Erik the Viking"?
In it, there's a scene where the elders of Atlantis (sort-of) conclude that their island cannot be sinking since it will only do so if blood is spilt there, and no-one has reported any spilt blood, so clearly the island cannot be sputter choke blub blub blub. . .
That feeling, from reading the above.
Over here, one chief of police told us (as in: the nation) last night that no-one knows why we are way past 250 bombs going off this year, and that it is impossible to draw any conclusions as to how this situation has come about.
I'll give you one guess as to the origin of the bombers. Hit: they're not of ski-using origin, as we say here.