The First GOP Primary Debate

Exactly what you'd expect

The first question in this first GOP primary debate (sans Trump) is….just who are these people? Here’s how NPR writes up the candidates:

Gov. Doug Burgum — The North Dakota Gov. has cut taxes, rolled back transgender rights and is expected to emphasize his small-town roots.

Gov. Chris Christie — The former New Jersey governor is launching another bid for the Republican nomination. Christie has been expected to position himself as the conservative alternative to Trump after breaking ties with the former president following the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol.

Gov. Ron DeSantis — The Florida governor has been at the center of Trump attack ads and also faced Republican criticism over laws signed in the state to limit abortion access and his response to immigration.

Former South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley — Haley was the ambassador to the United Nations under Trump and was the first to challenge the former president.

Gov. Asa Hutchinson — The former Arkansas governor is looking to appeal to Republican-leaning independents, as he's standing against the "chaos" of Trump and has criticized the former president because of his role in the Jan. 6 insurrection.

Vice President Mike Pence — Pence has a strong appeal to white Christian evangelicals, a sizable portion of the Republican base. He has also denounced the former president's involvement in attempts to overturn the 2020 election results. Pence specifically criticized Trump's pressure for him to refuse to count certain Electoral College votes, a theory that Pence rejected as unconstitutional.

Vivek Ramaswamy — He is among the younger GOP candidates. The former tech and finance executive has been a prominent voice in conservative circles, arguing against the environmental, social and governance (ESG) movement and against "woke"-ism.

Sen. Tim Scott — Another South Carolina contender, Scott brings a diverse background and upbringing to the white-dominated Republican party.

Not eligible for the debate are: Michigan businessman Perry Johnson, Miami Mayor Francis Suarez, former Texas Congressman Will Hurd, conservative talk show host Larry Elder and Texas pastor Ryan Binkley.

Notice how they call Scott “diverse” but but Vivek? Strange, right?

Anyway, looking over this roster, I expect nothing good from this….but let’s see how it goes!

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Welcome everybody who’s politically savvy enough to care about the first GOP primary debate in a race that’s basically already over and doesn’t even feature the candidate who’s dominating. We’re glad both of you are turning in.

Nine republican candidates have qualified to be here, and eight of them actually accepted. Candidates have one minute to answer questions, because obviously complex issues can be narrowed down into soundbites that we can play on our network this week.

Joe Biden is running on Bidenomics, which he says is working. Is it?

We’re going to try to boost ratings by mentioning the #1 song in America — Rich Men North of Richmond. Let’s listen and watch!!

Gov. Ron DeSantis, why is this song so good?

DeSantis: We need to send Joe Biden back to the basement and reverse Bidenomics! Hunter’s getting rich but you can’t afford food. Not cool. We spend too much and print too much! We need better energy sources!

Mr. Christie, isn’t it true you actually suck on the debt?

Christie: Really that was the democrats.

Joe Biden used to argue for freezing spending, but he never did. What have you done, Tim Scott?

Scott: I vote against all the spending but it happens anyway. All your bills go up cause DC spends too much money. No cap. That should be your money!

What about the covid spending?

Scott: Yeah, covid was a pretty big deal, do you remember? Inflation was down while Trump was in office, too!

Mr. Ramaswamy, why should voters choose you over experienced politicians? Is that question right? Shouldn’t it be why wouldn’t? No? Ok. Why should voters choose you over experienced politicians?

Ramaswamy: I’m rich, yo. I lived the American dream and I’m worried it’s gonna disappear. These guys screw everything up, have you noticed? Don’t hand over the keys to the guys who crashed the car. Duh.

Nikki Haley, are you still here?

Haley: Yes! The GOP is terrible on spending, too. Nobody else will tell you this — other than the other people who have said it already — we need to cut spending! We need an accountant in the White House!

Vice President Mike Pence, you guys spent a ton of money. Don’t you deserve some blame.

Pence: I’m very proud of the Trump/Pence administration, although you’ll never hear me say his name again. You asked before who’s the most best prepared? It’s totally me who is the most best prepared, especially to answer the first question I get asked in this debate. Anyway, we had to spend a lot because Obama didn’t spend on our military. Nobody else will talk about the debt!

Ramaswamy: This isn’t hard. Energy. Don’t pay people to stay at home. Deregulate. Simple.

Pence: Let me talk slower for you, Vivek. I’ve been in government for a long time, and a long time ago we actually balanced a budget. Now we don’t even have one! You’re a rookie, rookie!

DeSantis: The federal government caused this because they locked down the country, but I kept our state open. You know, mostly. But I promise there will be no more lockdowns!

Ramaswamy: Now that you guys are out of talking points, let’s talk. These guys are Super PAC puppets. We all know it.

Ack we’re totally losing control here, but Doug Burgum, you can talk.

Burgum: We’re paying too much for energy, like spending buried in the IRA. Then we put sanctions on Russian oil? What a dumb move. We want cheap oil too, dummies!

Hutchinson: Hello everybody. Let me list my accomplishments. We have fewer government employees! I rest my case. I’ve been a government employee for a long time and want to continue being one.

Turning to Hawaii, they blamed climate change. Florida water also got warm! Warm in the summer, EVERYWHERE! Here’s a little kid to ask a question about climate change.

Raise your hand if you believe in human climate change.

DeSantis: Oh hell no. Let’s talk about it. Biden was on vacation, you don’t do that. That’s not climate change.

Ramaswamy: I’m not bought and paid for, so I can say this: climate change is a hoax. More people die of bad climate change policies than actual climate change.

Christie: Mister ChatGPT doesn’t get to call me names. He sounds like Obama.

Ramaswamy: Gimme a hug, then!

Haley: This is why we have to have women doing things. Look at these idiots. Really we gotta go after China and India. And since they will never do that, we will never have to do anything too! Win-win!

Senator Scott, are you paid for?

Scott: I’m told to tell you no, Bret. Let’s talk about the American dream instead. I did it, you can too! Well, after you elect me of course. Bring our jobs home!

We’ve got a lot to get to, we’ll be back after this break!

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Oh thank God a break. I need some mind-altering substances. Here’s a kitten:

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Unfortunately, we’ve made it back from break. Let’s return to the questions.

Abortion is a losing issue. Tell us why you don’t care.

Haley: This shouldn’t have been decided by the Supreme Court in the first place. This issue should be answered by the states. We agree on a lot of things, so let’s just do the laws the right way.

Gov DeSantis, you signed an abortion ban. Sell that.

DeSantis: Well, I smashed face in my election, so there’s that. Plus, I think it’s the right thing. Democrats want abortion until birth. That’s nuts. States can do it however they want.

Mister Pence, your turn.

Pence: I’m super religious, so I say no abortions. This is a moral issue, so you need a moral president to stand up for life. That’s why we could pass a national 15-week ban.

Haley: No way, old man. The states should handle this. You can’t ban abortion any more than Democrats can force it. We don’t have the votes!

Gov. Doug Burgum, when this issue got kicked back to the states, you said you’re not in favor of a federal ban. What about states that allow abortion until birth?

Burgum: Yep, that’s what I said. 10th Amendment. Read that shit. Federal government shouldn’t be doing all this in the first place. If we make a ban, they’ll end up overturning it eventually.

Hutchinson: Well, technically it’s the elected officials of the states, not the people. (lol) We’re the most pro-life state because we have the most pro-life officials. That’s how it works. We need more adoption services, though, too.

Scott: We can’t let blue states do whatever they want. We need to have a 15-week limit. We need to fight for life like the founders said! We can’t allow the states to decide for themselves.

Crime is off the hook, yo! Homelessness and drugs are way up too! It’s a hellscape out there, what you gonna do about it? And Mike Pence, is it your fault?

Vice President Mike Pence: LOL the democrats wanted to defund the police. What the heck did you think would happen? We need a strong leader who can marshal military assets quickly and without question. And shut down the Department of Education, they suck! (Random but ok!)

Democrats blame Republicans for gun crime. You ran an urban hellhole, Gov. Christie. What do you think?

Christie: Don’t defund the police. Prosecute people who break the law. This is so easy that even I understand it. Also, Hunter Biden needs to follow gun laws too! Not cool.

Ramaswamy: We just need the spine to put cops in the street and deal with the mental health epidemic. Bring back the asylums. Maybe the churches? People are super lost and we need to try everything.

Pence: We’re already religious. We just need good government.

Ramaswamy: You’re so out of touch that you don’t even understand the problem, old man.

Crime is on the rise in Florida, what about that, RON?

DeSantis: It’s actually low?

Well, in Miami it’s high.

DeSantis: LOL got you. All you gotta do is fire the incompetent people. And there’s lots of incompetent people in DC.

Burgum: In small towns you don’t have to deal with this stuff because everybody knows everything. Just wanted to mention it.

Hutchinson: Enforce the law and stop the fentanyl. Fund the counseling. The president could stop all the smash and grabs but he doesn’t care. I care!

Break time! But before we go, here’s the jail where Trump will go tomorrow! When we come back, we’ll talk about him!

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Oh good I was starting to regain feeling in my extremities. I need to fix that ASAP.

Triple kitten attack!

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Still a lot to talk about somehow, but let’s talk about the elephant not in the room. (Booos from the crowd) Trump is being arrested, would you still support him if he’s convicted?

WTF was that, Chris Christie?

Christie: It got you to talk to me, didn’t it? Anyway, the Orange Man is Bad. So therefore I don’t have to support him if I don’t want to. Boo if you want, idiots!

Ramaswamy: LOL Christie the only reason you’re here is to hate Trump. You might as well be on MSNBC. You can’t arrest your political opponents. That’s fucking CRAZY!

Christie: LOL (drowned out by boos)

(OMG Christie looks like Rabbit when he froze during the rap battle!)

Christie: You said you hated Trump

Ramaswamy: Nuh-huh.

Christie: Yuh-huh.

Ramaswamy: Nuh-huh.

Christie: Shut up you little shit. Yuh-huh.

On 1/6, Pence went forward with the certification of the election. Should he have done that?

Scott: Yep. But we gotta fire Garland and Wray because they’re political attack dogs and everybody knows it. Not just political opponents, but parents too! At the homes of pro-life activists! Not cool.

DeSantis: This election isn’t about 1/6, it’s about 2024. Democrats want to talk about 1/6. Democrats and Fox debate anchors. It’s a distraction.

Dude you didn’t even answer the question.

Pence: Yeah, everybody should answer.

DeSantis: I already answered this. Why are we still talking about it?

Hutchinson: Trump is disqualified, that’s why I call it an insurrection. I can’t support that.

Christie: Mike Pence did his job. He deserves props for that. We need to get rid of Trump so we can move on.

Haley do you agree Pence did the right thing?

Haley: Yep. But the American people get to decide who is president, not Trump. We can’t win with him.

Burgum: Pence did the right thing. But every minute we spend talking about the past, China is kicking our ass.

Ramaswamy: Mike, you should join me in saying we’ll pardon Trump!

Pence: He hasn’t even been convicted!

All: LOL

Pence: I swore to God when I was Vice President. Will these people do the same? (Why wouldn’t they?) I chose the Constitution over Trump, and I always will!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry, are you done? Let’s turn to Ukraine. Who would not support more funding?

DeSantis: That’s a no-brainer. Europe should be helping. EVERYBODY FOR UKRAINE!!!

Ramaswamy: Yeah why would we fund defense of the Ukraine border when we can’t defend our own? Make America strong at home!

Christie: I went to Ukraine. I went because of the local cuisine. Imagine every one of these seats were filled with hot dogs. What was I talking about, again? Oh yeah, we gotta stop Putin. Trump loves him some Putin, by the way.

Pence: We can solve the problems here and overseas. We did it in the past and we can do it again. Remember Reagan? No you don’t, because you were still pissing yourself, little boy. Putin is a communist!

Ramaswamy: The real communists are in China.

Pence: Your plan is stupid, VIVEK. Peace through strength.

Ramaswamy: We have no interest in Ukraine. These people are all warmongers. Protect the homeland, dummies!

Former Gov. Nikki Haley, you didn’t raise your hand, so you’d support more funding. Can you explain?

Haley: The president needs to know the difference between right and wrong. Right = sending military weapons to a country so they can be slaughtered. Wrong = stopping that funding. If we let Russia win, then China wins. Vivek wants to abandon our allies! Putin won’t stop in Ukraine and can take over all of Europe, unless we stop him with a handful of weapons. You have no foreign policy experience, Vivek!

Ramaswamy: Better no foreign policy experience than your foreign policy experience. I love Israel. They take defense seriously.

Haley: We need Israel as a defense against Iran! (What the actual fuck?!?!?)

DeSantis: We need to fund our border. Kill the drug smugglers!

The threat from china is growing. What you gonna do about it?

Hutchinson: FINALLY we’re talking about China. The idiots in the White House sanctioned Russian gas so the Chinese bought it. EVERYBODY WANTS GAS, STUPID! We need to have strength so then we have peace through strength. You can’t project weakness like Biden did when he said a little incursion would be ignored. Biden sucks.

Scott: Fire the IRS agents and hire border patrol agents! Or make the IRS agents into border patrol agents, I don’t care! Just stop the crossings! Just like $10 billion and we could totally handle this issue. Maybe $15 billion. Finish the wall!

Earlier this month, cartel members crossed into Texas. Would you kill those fuckers?

Hutchinson: Oh yeah. Light ‘em up. When I was in the Bush administration, we knew how to light ‘em up. And we did.

Gov DeSantis, would you support sending special forces into Mexico for drug raids?

DeSantis: Oh yeah. Light ‘em up. The cartels control the border. We need to light ‘em up! Stop the drugs from getting in! They are terrorists!

Pence, why should we trust you on this?

Pence: We secured the border, but Biden threw it open. Everybody knows this. That’s why I’m the most best prepared candidate for the job! Use economic pressure and make people wait in Mexico. We did it, but Biden is dumb.

During the Biden administration, 7 million people have crossed. What would you do about them?

Christie: Enforce the law. This is the answer to like half our problems. You can’t reward people who are breaking the law. We gotta stop China from killing our people!

So you’d send them back?

Christie: Yeah, that’s enforcing the law.

**stunned look**

We’ll be back after this.

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I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! With the power of more kittens, we’ll make it through!

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And welcome back to our viewers who still haven’t figured out how to watch Trump’s interview with Tucker Carlson.

Test scores across America suck. How would you fix it?

DeSantis: Education not indoctrination. We kept schools open. I took fire for that, but I stood for the kids! You all called me names, by the way. I fight the woke and teach the Constitution. Well, not ME, but the teachers in my state.

Mr. Ramaswamy, you say the institutions all suck. Why?

Ramaswamy: yeah they do. Shut down the Department of Education and put the cash in the hands of parents and allow them to pick schools. If nobody picks public schools — sucks to be them. There should be a civics test to graduate. My privilege was two loving parents.

Gov Burgum, you signed a ban on men in women’s sports even though you didn’t need to because it never came up.

Burgum: Yeah we got in front of that because we saw what was going on around the country. Why on earth would we wait? (good question) Sometimes I go back to high school for fun. I go undercover like 21 Jump Street. How do you do, fellow kids?

Haley: We gotta teach the kids to read. How would they follow me on Twitter if they can’t read? Teach our kids stuff! Get the boys out of girls locker room!

TIME FOR THE LIGHTING ROUND EVERYBODY!

Joe Biden is old AF. Should there be a test?

Pence: Everybody in DC should do that.

Mr. Ramaswamy do you want a test?

Ramaswamy: Nah, we can all tell who has a brain in their head and who doesn’t.

Hutchinson: Teach kids computer science! That way they will always have an important skill that totally can’t be outsourced or replaced with AI!

Scott: We just need to be good role models. People look up to politicians, you know. And break the teachers’ unions in half.

What about mandatory military service?

DeSantis: You really want people there who want to be there. Trust me on this.

Gov Christie, you get the UFO question.

Christie: I get the UFO question?

Would you be honest about UFOs?

Christie: Can’t believe you gave me the UFO question. You have to be honest as president. That’s why nobody thinks I would be a good president.

One last break and then hopefully this will mercifully come to an end.

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Live look at my face:

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Welcome back everybody. Back to an America that isn’t proud to be American. Why can you — like Ronald Reagan — inspire the nation.

Burgum: Growing up my life sucked. We have to stop the inflation and the drugs. I’ll secure the border and do something about my voice cracking.

Hutchinson: Leadership sucks, and the solution isn’t Biden OR Trump — we need NEW old people like myself to lead the nation exactly how it’s been led for my entire life.

Scott: My life growing up sucked too! But in America I can be anything, at least now. And if you’re a man, you should play sports — against men.

Christie: The only way anybody can win is beating Joe Biden. I beat a blue incumbent that nobody cared about like a million years ago. Beat that, Trump!

Haley: My husband protects America, so we should fight for America here!

Pence: Joe Biden really sucks. Can you imagine how terrible you’d have to be at politics to be on a ticket that loses to that guy? I can’t. I have faith in Americans and faith in their faith, and we should celebrate that faith.

Ramaswamy: We need to remember what makes us the same — HATING GOVERNMENT! We all hate government! The people are way better than the government. Facts.

DeSantis: Repeat Joe Biden basement joke! Tell story about terrible childhood! Relatable things as well! I can deliver on my promises! God bless America!

Thank you to everybody who somehow survived this ordeal. Stay tuned for A MILLION MORE HOURS OF SPIN! (No, I don’t think I will.)

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Wow, I hope the Trump/Tucker interview was better than this feces fest.

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