Welcome back to Stupid Bowl 2024, we’ve got quite the contest on our hands today! If you’re just joining us, here’s a quick recap of the action so far:
After voting themselves a 10-0 lead before the game began (to “adjust for previous inequities”), Democrats have struggled on offense all game — at one point taking 15 straight “Delay of Game” penalties when QB Joe Biden fell asleep on the game’s opening drive. Though coach Hillary Clinton says Biden is “at the top of his game”, he hasn’t been seen since the middle of the first quarter. This has left Democrats in a bind, as nobody else on the roster has QB experience. (“Who could have seen this coming?” asked Joe Scarborough. “81-year-olds have a rich history of performing well at the quarterback position. Having a backup on the roster would simply invite Republicans to question Biden’s fitness for the job.”)
The single bright spot on offense for Democrats was a missed field goal attempt by Hakeem Jefferies — after arguing that goalposts are arbitrary and what matters is if the kicker FELT like he made the kick, Democrats jumped out to a 13-0 lead.
The GOP hasn’t fared much better, with Republicans only managing a single second quarter Rand Paul touchdown. (Paul was immediately subpoenaed and has missed the rest of the game.) The GOP’s main roadblock to victory is the fact that half of the team’s offensive line immediately tackles QB Donald Trump on every play. The GOP’s only other points came when a confused Jamaal Bowman ran through the wrong end zone for a safety.
That’s the recap of the action so far, and now we pick up the game LIVE, with the GOP — who hasn’t won a game since 2016 — miraculously on the cusp of one of the greatest upsets of all time. Just four yards stand between Republicans and victory — and here they come out of the timeout.
Interestingly, the GOP has removed Trump from the game and replaced him with head coach Mitch McConnell! They must have seen something on game film that necessitating making this move late in the game.
So here we go! Trailing 13-9, 33 seconds left and the GOP has a second-and-goal situation. McConnell has his team in a bunched formation, it looks like they’re going to try a running play.
Here’s the snap………..and……….McConnell kneels down — a move typically reserved for the team that’s winning the game. And although the GOP still has two timeouts, it looks like McConnell is content to let the clock expire.
Let’s go down to the field for a quick word from Mitch:
“And the end of the day, this game is really about sportsmanship. Lots of fans would have been very upset if the Democrats had lost, and these are potential future GOP fans. Also, it wouldn’t really be fair to score a bunch of points right at the very end of the game, after Democrats were leading the entire night. I’m very happy with how things turned out.”
Remember Rachel Dolezal? She’s the woman who used her white privilege to pretend to be black while working for the NAACP. Her story fell apart in 2015, but it didn’t end there. Dolezal changed her name to Nkechi Diallo and had a gig teaching here in Tucson.
I say HAD a teaching gig because Dolezal/Diallo was fired after it was revealed she has an OnlyFans site.
Try to scrape that image from your mind.
Shots were fired yesterday during the Kansas City Chiefs victory parade, horrifically killing one and injuring approximately 20 others. This provided the perfect opportunity for the Online Left to attack ‘idiots’ in red states for their idiotic gun laws that place children directly in the line of fire, all too appease the NRA.
This, of course, lasted until the identities and motivations of the shooters were known — just like the recent Iowa shooting. Once the facts contradicted the narrative, the entire thing was shoved down the memory hole, never to be spoken of again. After all, we all remember who was shouting “DEFUND THE POLICE” and now wants to feign outrage over gang violence in order to disarm Americans.
Them: ONLY COPS SHOULD BE ARMED
Cops when an acorn falls on their police cruiser:
Matt Taibbi and Walter Kirn respond to Biden’s recent press conference:
I’ll be honest, I didn’t think it could get much worse for the citizens of Chicago than Lori Lightfoot, but new mayor Brandon Johnson has managed to slither under that bar. Most recently, he’s in the news for calling ShotSpotter technology (which reports gunshots in the city) racist. (Obviously the tech knows the color of the shooter and simply fails to report white gunmen.) Although the company’s contract is up tomorrow, Mayor Johnson planned to keep it active through the DNC later this year.
………to which ShotSpotter told the mayor to take a hike — leaving the future of the technology up in the air for this year’s Democratic National Convention.
If I was ShotSpotter, I’d agree to a 6-month contract extension — for the price of the full contract that was just allowed to lapse.
Finally, a slightly humorous Gangster story. Last night both he and Bonnie were MIA, and being the softie I am, I was very slightly worried about what G was getting himself into overnight. When I woke up in the middle of the night and had to use the bathroom, I did a quick search of my room — still no G. My worry-ometer ticked up ever so slightly…..until I turned on the bathroom light and found him curled up in the sink.
IMPORTANT EDIT: Somebody got a pic!
Bonus Fauci Valentine:
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OH MY, The best laugh in days!!!! I need you SC, swear you won't leave me (or ELSE).
Btw: I didn't know ShotSpotter said screw you, you marvelous, incompetent, campaign-promise-delivering asshat! No worries, the only shooting he's concerned about will probably be INSIDE anyway.
Soooo gooood, thank you!
Dude, am I hit?
<<facepalm>>