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You know, it's a funny thing. When I was young I had a friend who was a gifted shoplifter and I admired her talents. (We were both nice middle-class Jewish girls.) I could never equal her specialties so found my own niche, which was grocery store price label switching and magazine pilfering, and I was pretty good; only caught once by a register clerk who was unfortunately quite knowledgeable about what stuff ought to cost, and I said indignantly that if that's what it ought to be marked, I don't want it! But anyway. After awhile, despite how good I was at this low-level criminality, I began to feel that even if I was getting away with it, there was a Higher Authority who knew what I was doing and that It Was Not the Right Thing to Do, and I came to the painful conclusion that if I couldn't quite afford to pay for brie, I'd better just resign myself to NYS Extra Sharp Cheddar.

And with me not being able to live with myself as such a minor little chiseler, I've never understood how anyone can live with themselves, and face their children, when they lie about everything that affects the lives of people and nations and the world, 'n all. I ain't no great moral philosopher. I just believe that what goes around comes around, eventually.

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Might be the best comment I've ever seen on Substack. This made my year. Thank you for your service. 🤣 So good, really.

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And it's my criminal past rather than elegant wordsmithing what earns me regard. Never mind; I'll take it...

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I met a really hot kleptomaniac at a bar once. She asked me if we could go back to my place. For the first time in my life I declined the advances of a beautiful woman, I wanted my stuff to still be there in the morning!

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How did you know about her proclivities?

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She was stuffing plates, cutlery and many other items owned by the bar into her handbag.

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In hindsight and in the heat of the moment, telling her to "take it all" may not have been such a wise move.

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Well, not to get technical--but that might have just been practical criminality for a (nefarious) purpose, rather than the uncontrollable obsession that's kleptomania. Still a problem, of course, since either way your possessions were at serious risk...

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