Nuclear-Powered Yellow Dwarf Star Burns Trail of Death Across Earth

For too long, we've been at the mercy of Sol

Millions watched, but for some it was the last thing they saw.

It was supposed to be a joyous occasion. A time to pack up the kids and watch a major celestial event. A day filled with wonderful memories that last a lifetime — but now those memories are instead filled with misery and death as lifetimes are cut short. Of course, I’m talking about Monday’s total solar eclipse that passed through most of North America — leaving a trail of bodies in its wake. Everywhere the eclipse touched, people dropped dead. Worse than that, people died EVEN WHEN THEY WERE NOWHERE NEAR THE ECLIPSE’S PATH!

A mind-blowing estimated 166,000 people died on Monday — that’s over 55 September 11ths! Loving grandmothers who will never see their grandchildren again. Hard-working parents struggling to put food on the table. Precious little children — our most valuable resource — DEAD. Heart attacks, cancer, lightning strikes — the eclipse doesn’t care how it kills.

Bodies pile up in the street

Although the eclipse itself lasted just a few hours, death and destruction continued even after it was over. Indeed, eclipse-inspired carnage continued long into the night, which one expert aptly noted “is really just a really long eclipse”. Suddenly, it dawned on me why nighttime is so terrifying.

This supernatural danger simply cannot be allowed to stand, in America or anywhere else on Earth.

That’s why today I propose we once and for all end this scourge of human-killing celestial events. My hand-chosen team of experts — we’re basically the Avengers — is already hard at work preventing these massive disasters, but we urgently need more funding to continue our ground-breaking research.

That’s where you come in.

With a small startup investment of only $166 billion, Scientists To End Astrological Lunacy can take the preventive measures necessary to halt eclipse-related deaths FOR AT LEAST TWO YEARS — that’s over 1.25 MILLION PEOPLE SAVED!

You can’t put a price on human life, but investing just $1 million per tragic eclipse victim is a pretty good start. This small initial startup cost will fund a memorial honoring the thousands of people who died while the moon and sun played footsie in the sky, as well as provide for mandatory educational programs about the dangers of eclipses and other celestial events. (Of course, a large section of this educational program is spent explaining why STEAL is necessary in the first place.)

A sample of proposed educational materials warning of eclipse dangers

It’s unlikely you’ll even read about this story in the mainstream media — they’re obviously bought off by Big Celestial, and they won’t tell you the truth about our “heavenly” neighbor. Heck, the media won’t even tell you that prolonged exposure to the yellow dwarf can give you cancer — though they WILL advertise ‘treatment’ once the cancer takes hold (perhaps waiting until the next eclipse to emerge).

For thousands of years, humans have been helpless as solar eclipses and moon-caused flooding have ravaged the planet. But now, we have the technology to fight back. Write your representative TODAY to insist that funding STEAL is the highest priority on the planet — or above it.

After all, you simply can’t argue with these types of results:

In our first day of operations, we’ve cut solar eclipse deaths 100%!!!

As you can plainly see, STEAL is doing amazing work saving peoples’ lives — but we can only continue this important work with your help (and money). With public funding secure, we can guarantee solar eclipse deaths will remain at 0 for the rest of 2024 and 2025. As for 2026 — any failure simply means we need more funding!

Join me as we tackle this supernatural problem together — and by together I mean I do the work and you make me rich. Or do you want your kids to be yet another victim of eclipse-related deaths? I didn’t think so.

Yours Truly,

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