Grandpa Joe Goes to War

With sanctions, an act of war

Grandpa Joe is speaking today about Ukraine! Let’s follow along, once he actually shows up. Fun fact: with about 137,000 people watching and Biden 15 minutes late, nearly 35,000 “man hours” have been wasted just waiting for Biden to show up to his own scheduled speech. Disabling comments for the stream was probably a good call.

Here we go!

Putin attacked without justification! We told you he was going to do this, that’s why I lifted the sanctions on Nord Stream 2 months ago, only to institute sanctions against Nord Stream 2.

Putin is totally lying about stuff, saying Ukraine is the one doing bad stuff! Liars can’t be trusted, trust me! The attack was terrible and we told you it was going to happen! I happen to have some great contacts in Ukraine, you know.

We’re going to sanction Russia again! It won’t hurt Americans, and we’re not doing this alone! We have the EU on our side, and Canada, who stands for the freedom of all people not in Canada. We’re gonna freeze bank accounts and stop their financing, after creating the conditions that allowed Russia’s economy to boom in the first place. We’re gonna make the oligarchs poor so they have no choice but to hitch their wagons to Putin. It’s smart.

We’re not just going to attack the Russian government, but also Russian businesses! Only the rich ones, though. This means they won’t be able to import stuff, and that will hurt the government (but totally not the people, promise!).

Tomorrow NATO will convene and we’ll affirm our solidarity and map out our next move. Even though we gave billions of weapons to Ukraine, we’re not going there to fight, only to defend. (waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?) NATO has a plan to defend their allies, and we’re going to send troops to help them do it.

If you hadn’t noticed (and you probably haven’t), we’re doing everything we can to bring down prices! That includes releasing oil from our strategic reserve. I’ll do everything I can to help Americans, but we can’t ignore Putin.

"AMERICA STANDS UP TO BULLIES. AMERICANS STAND UP FOR FREEDOM." (*Offer not available in Canada)

We’ll keep offering our Ukrainian allies support, because we know how fast wars turn into quagmires!

Once again, Putin was lying and his naked power grab should be condemned by the entire world. (No comment on Trudeau) Real nations don’t use force to take what they want! That’s insane! Totally unjustifiable.

Democracy cannot be extinguished by tyrants and intimidation!

Now I’ll take questions.

"How do we stop this from spiraling out of control?"

I don’t want it to spiral out of control so it won’t.

“Sanctions haven’t worked, what’s going to stop him now? Is he going to nuke us?”

Nobody expected sanctions to prevent war, that’s why I kept saying these sanctions will prevent war. It will take time. Putin will test our resolve, and we’ll pass the test.

“The economy sucks still. Will it get worse?”

This is totally Russia’s fault. The markets responded to the attack, like a year before it happened.

“If sanctions can’t stop Putin, what can?”

The sanctions can stop Putin! I always said that!

“………………………..er…………okay.”

Next question.

“Are you urging China to isolate Russia?”

No comment.

“How concerned are you that Putin wants more than Ukraine?”

Oh he wants more, that’s why we have to stop him right now. But not with troops, with sanctions. Peace.

As always, here’s the actual speech, but I think I nailed it ;)