Thank you. It’s great to be here as the greatest President ever, standing in front of the greatest crowd listening to the greatest President ever. Many people came together to host this event, which obviously features me: the greatest President ever. I am going to list all of them right now.
[I am not going to list of all them. - SC]
A big round of applause for these people who allowed you to see me.
We’re obviously the greatest political movement in history, and we’re in a battle with people who want to destroy America. If we lose, we’ll be a communist nightmare of a country and you won’t even know America anymore.
Everything in America sucks right now and everybody knows it, especially our enemies. But we’re going to finish what we started and stop them from finishing what they started. We’re going to Make America Great Again. Again.
We need to demolish the Deep State and destroy the warmongers! Expose the fake news! Evict Joe Biden from the White House! Only I can do this.
Back when I started the GOP sucked so bad. Karl Rove, remember that guy? LOL! Screw that. We’re never going to touch Social Security, we’re simply going to ruin the value of your benefits. It’s much more politically feasible.
But seriously we gotta stop the wars and provide benefits for our veterans. HOW ARE WE NOT DOING THIS ALREADY?!?!?!? Instead we put up illegal immigrants at the Waldorf! Not cool, man.
Back when I was president, I was totally taking care of our soldiers, btw.
Our government can’t even deal with a chemical spill because they’re too busy throwing cash into Ukraine. Everybody wants to win, but NATO should pay too! Oh, have they been ignoring defense for decades? Awkward!
Is the press scared or just evil? We report, you decide.
My administration was the best in history if you look at it. The border wall was going up and we were throwing out gang members like the cat on the Flintstones. But now they’re all back and bringing all Hunter’s drugs.
When I was president there were no new wars. That’s actually an actual fact. They all said I would start World War III, but look at what happened! That was all me, baby. Strength through power!
I arrested people who destroyed statues. I just wrote a law - BAM! I literally turned them around in their tracks. It was basically a miracle, except instead of God’s work it was mine!
But then look at what happened after I left. Now we’re paying our military to be transgender, I think? Screw that. We’re gonna take out the entire corrupt establishment now that we realize exactly how corrupt the establishment is.
I’m not from the government, and I’m here to help.
The radical left is all communists and special interest groups. They really hate me, because they really hate America and I’m basically America. Antifa thugs can roam the streets while the 1/6 protestors are still in jail!
By the way, the Lincoln Project can suck a dick.
This job really sucks, especially when you’re as good at it as I was. Everybody wants to get me. But I have no choice — I must be the hero that battles the swamp. It’s like the final boss battle, and only I can do it. People are always like — how do you it? You’re so amazing! How is it even possible? It’s easy — I do it for you.
In 2016 I said was your voice. Today I add: I am your warrior and your retribution! I’m going to take a sword through the Deep State. I might even double wield for improved efficiency. Then all the people will be back in charge. Except the ones who just got sworded, obviously.
Democrats stick together, not like Mitt Romney. That’s how they get away with all the crimes.
When I was president everything was so great, but then there was covid. Everybody was coming together, but then covid divided us. We were starting to get along, but then the China Virus fucked everything up.
Remember when Joe Biden withheld cash until Ukraine fired a prosecutor investigating Hunter? The media never covered that, just like they never covered Hunter’s laptop. Instead the media just makes up Russiagate, even though everybody knows it’s fake. LOL the media listened to Adam Schiff — but we had transcripts to bust his ass when he lied about me, the greatest President ever.
Of course the fake news gave themselves prizes for being wrong.
Democrats can’t even run cities, much less America. Look at New York! But instead of dealing with real problems, they attack me — the greatest president ever. Just because I slept with Stormy Daniels, who by the way is totally not attractive. She had to pay me huge amounts of cash, by the way.
But when you’re a democrat you get away with anything. You can put all your crimes on a laptop and leave it laying around — nothing. Have classified documents you’re not allowed to declassify — nothing.
The FBI is actually really good, by the way — it’s just that they have to listen to the President when the President isn’t me. The FBI didn’t even want to raid my resort, but they’re helpless! When I’m President again, the FBI will be great, again!
The Democrats attack me because they’re scared of you. They say they want to run against me, but they’re also trying to stop me from running. Weird, right?
If I don’t win in 2024, it’s basically all over. You could say this is The Most Important Election Ever. Nobody else can do it because nobody else has my vision. Check this out:
First, we gotta stop all the wars. Spending cash on people who don’t like us doesn’t make sense. Stop wasting all that sweet gear I bought in Ukraine! The whole world should be wasting money in Ukraine — not just us!
I actually stop wars! And Russia! I get along with Putin, so I basically told him he better not or else I’ll light up Moscow. Putin maybe believed 10% of it, but that was enough! When I was in, Russia took nothing. With Biden they took everything, and he doesn’t even know they took it.
And now China wants Taiwan, and Iran is basically nuclear, too! China wanted to buy oil from Iran, but I totally stopped that right away. But now Iran is back on top with Chinese cash because Biden Bad.
You don’t want Russia and China to get together, but that’s exactly what Biden is doing. Add Iran and you have the Throuple of Evil. So bad.
If I was president there would have been no Ukraine war.
But now Biden is president. LOL
When I was president, I told the Taliban to back the fuck off or I’d blow the shit out of them. It worked, they stopped killing our soldiers. Biden left them all the equipment, which they’re selling. And the dogs, by the way — I don’t think they sold the dogs. We just shut off the lights and left. We lost a bunch of soldiers that day. That’s probably why Putin went into Ukraine.
I will prevent World War III. That’s a pretty strong argument for your vote. I’ll solve the Ukraine war before I even get into office! I solved Nord Stream before Biden SOLVED Nord Stream! I wasn’t soft on Russia, Biden undid all my work on the first day!
Then after solving Ukraine’s border problem, I’ll solve our own border problem — this might take another day or two, but that’s it. We’re gonna dig up the wall and re-use it! Recycling is cool!
While I’m deporting all these people, I’m gonna take down the cartels, too! I’m gonna tell the military to fuck ‘em up. Bet.
I might even send the military into American cities, even though we’re not supposed to do that unless the governors and states agree. By the way, how’d that work out for you, Portland?
These Democrats can’t do shit — that’s why the Feds should run DC. When we host foreign dignitaries, they see DC. Yuck. We can totally clean up the homeless and get them the help they need in tent cities!
I’m totally gonna reverse Biden’s DIE agenda and compensate people who were harmed by it! I’m gonna ban racism in the government and fight for parental rights! Parents should be able to elect the principal — and also fire ‘em! Then we’ll be proud of the country!
We’re gonna ban child mutilation and keep men out of women’s sports!
I’m gonna restore free speech and save the economy! Inflation, no problem.
I’m gonna revoke China’s Most Favored Nation trade status and move to gain independence from China — and send them a bill for covid. And they’re gonna pay — or else.
We’re gonna drop out of WHO because WTF, amirite? We’re paying all this money so China can control our pandemic response? How stupid is Biden? It’s like April Fools every day.
Energy independence isn’t enough — we’re going to be energy dominant. We’re gonna sell off energy and get bigger than Saudi Arabia! FIVE SAUDI ARABIAS! We were doing that already but Biden was like shut that down, yo.
We gotta fix the elections! One-day voting, voter ID, and paper ballots are the way to go! But Republicans are all talk, they won’t do shit. France can do it, why can’t we? Ballots flooding the cityscape makes it too easy to cheat and everybody knows it!
Sometimes the voting machines in Republican areas break. Do you know what doesn’t break? Paper ballots.
Until we can stop ballot harvesting, we need to be better at ballot harvesting than Democrats.
We’re gonna build new cities on federal land so people can get cheap homes!
We’re gonna pay people to have babies! How’s that for small government?
We’re gonna make America wealthy again!
We’re gonna make America strong again!
We’re gonna make America proud again — but not like that.
We’re gonna Make America Great Again. Again.
It’s a tough job, but luckily I know a guy who can pull it off — me.
The full speech: (Skip to 4:20 to avoid most of the rah-rah-rahs)
I'm here for RFK Jr. as the Democrat Presidential candidate. Imagine THOSE debates!
Satire or humor is a good change of pace. I can only laugh at myself looking back at my lonely and discombobulated effort to get our local school board to rescind its mask mandate for teachers and students.
My protest did NOT go viral ...
https://billricejr.substack.com/p/i-protested-masks-at-local-school