THE STATE OF THE UNION IS AS STRONG AS THESE DRUGS
A VERY ANGRY PRESIDENT BIDEN SPEAKS TO THE NATION
(Wow…PBS is literally saying this speech is important because it will give Democrats marching orders and provide the narrative for the election. This ‘pre-game’ show proves they’re in the tank for Biden — they’re explaining what he’s going to try to say and why it’s important. Hint: It’s democracy, obviously.)
Good evening everybody! Jill let me stay up past bedtime so I could come and talk to president Joe Biden tonight! What do you mean AS president Joe Biden tonight? *sigh* No wonder this speech is so long. I better get extra pudding tonight. Chocolate chocolate chip!
If I were smart, I’d go home now — but since I’m not, I’m going to stay and deliver a speech.
During World War II, democracy was in peril, just like today! This is the worst moment in democracy since the civil war — but even worse, democracy is under attack abroad as well! That’s never happened before! RUSSIA, EVERYBODY! RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA! But Ukraine can stop Putin if WE JUST GIVE THEM MORE MONEY AND WEAPONS — and maybe eventually the soldiers to fire the weapons…..but not yet!
The evil Republicans don’t want us to fund Ukraine — not like Ronald Reagan would have not done. Now Donald Trump said Putin can do whatever he wants! Honest! That’s not even cool. Unacceptable, even.
We founded NATO to prevent war, which is why we have to go to war to prevent the war! Sending more money will stand up to Putin! We haven’t tried it before, so why not give it a shot? You aren’t a bunch of pansies, are you?
Do you guys remember January 6th? DEMOCRACY UNDER ATTACK AT HOME! We must remove my political opponent from the race to defend democracy! Some of you want to bury the truth about January 6th — not like the January 6th committee, which buried the truth about January 6th!
You guys all signed an oath to defend us from threats foreign AND DOMESTIC. And who could be more of a domestic threat than the guy who might beat me in the November election?
We must defend reproductive rights such as IVF, as well as things we only call reproductive rights, such as abortion. Roe v Wade got it right — though if a bill proposing the rules of Roe v Wade came before us, we’d call it a barbaric threat to women’s choice. BUT WOMEN CAN VOTE, so checkmate Supreme Court! Then we can get back Roe v Wade!
Four years ago, covid raged through the country and killed more than a million people! I was NOT president then — and Trump didn’t care! When I came into office, I cared about you — that’s why I told you to get jabbed or get fired. You’re welcome.
Then I rebuilt the economy that Trump ruined, too! I beat covid, and now the covid vaccines will cure the cancer the covid vaccines gave you! Americans are starting small businesses all over! The economy is so good that you literally can’t believe what I’m telling you! We’re creating tons of news jobs. What’s a “Doordasher”?
We can get the economy going by paying American wages to Americans! We’re building chip factories! Thanks to me, projects are getting started all over! We’re doing high-speed internet! Saving auto plants! I’m basically Superman, but the opposite.
When America gets knocked down, we get up again. You’re never gonna keep us down. We get knocked down, but we get up again. No you’re never gonna keep us down.
That’s why the state of the union is strong!
We need to save the middle class from the effects of my policies that are gutting the middle class. First up — cut all the deals to Big Pharma! Who the heck likes those guys? We’re totally taking it to them! Cap the cost of insulin, like we’ve been doing for literally years.
*flash to Bernie Sanders wearing a mask for the first time of the night?*
We need to negotiate MORE with Big Pharma! We can make sure they stay extremely profitable, though — don’t worry. Price controls should do the trick! Go to Canada and I’ll buy your drugs for you!
Obamacare rules! But Trump wants to repeal it — I won’t let him! We already stopped you 50 times! (I think it was closer to 100) We’re going to fund women’s health research, and I know just the lady to do it — my wife.
Housing prices are out of control, too! We should provide taxpayers a credit for two years! Save $5000 on your new $500,000 purchase! Good luck!
We can build affordable homes, too! In theory, anyway. We’re going to spend a bunch of money trying, that’s for sure!
Speaking of funding everything, how about education? We haven’t tried that yet! Kids should be able to read and go to college! FUND ALL THE THINGS! When they told me I couldn’t cancel student loans, I just canceled student loans. Now what, bitches?
Since you don’t have to pay for all that stuff, you can buy a home and start a family! Oh, also we gotta pay for a raise for teachers.
Corporations need to pay their fair share of all that cash they’re making! We need to revamp the tax code that I’ve been responsible for over the last 50 years and you’re responsible for now! We all know the system sucks because we wrote it! The new one that we write will be sweet, though. Promise.
In 2020 the biggest companies made billions of dollars — I wonder why that happened? — but they didn’t pay any taxes! NOT ON MY WATCH! There’s loopholes everywhere! Billionaires only pay like 8%, that’s less than many Americans! If we taxed them more, we could make like…..$50,000,000 a year!
We spent more than $50,000,000 during this speech.
And seniors! Do you know the Republicans ARE COMING FOR YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY? I will protect social security and make the wealthy people pay for it….just not the wealthy people I personally know.
Have you heard of shrinkflation? That should totally be illegal. Like junk fees! You know, the junk sort of jammed in at the end of your bill that hands money to Ukraine or NGOs. Wait, we are NOT getting rid of those. I’m talking about airline fees and stuff.
I’ve been worried about the border for like 6 months, but the Republicans don’t like my ideas. What’s wrong with processing people into the country faster? What are you against? WE NEED TO SHUT DOWN THE BORDER BUT REPUBLICANS DON’T WANT TO DO IT — THAT’S TRUMP’S FAULT TOO.
People pay to come into the country because they know they can disappear before their hearings — so the obvious solution was to rescind “Stay in Mexico” and just allow them in the country until their hearings.
Besides, is immigration REALLY that bad? We’re all immigrants, right? That’s why we need to fix the border! Send me the bill!
59 years ago, black people were beaten while trying to vote! That’s what my opponent wants to do again! We must control elections federally! Stop book bans! Pass all the stuff I want passed but is too crazy to pass!
I’m also fixing the climate singlehandedly! Cutting our carbon by 50%! Conserving 30% of our lands! We launched the Climate Corps! But we can do more with MORE MONEY!
Crime is way down since 2020 when our people were rioting all over the country! We should fund the police and take on domestic violence! We need to end the scourge of women in America! (I sure hope I heard that wrong)
We need to end the scourge of gun violence in America — which is totally a problem with legal gun owners and NOT a gang violence and mental illness problem. We just need to make a list of who has what…..just in case something terrible happens.
Something terrible like what Hamas did to Israel on October 7th. We need to save to the hostages in Israel AND Russia. Hamas could end the war by giving up, but instead they hide behind civilians…..who then predictably get blown up. We need a ceasefire to get the hostages home, but until then we’re going to set up a massive humanitarian mission off the coast of Gaza — and continue to pay for the weapons Israel is using to drive the humanitarian crisis in the first place.
People think that China is kicking our asses, but actually we’re kicking China’s asses — it’s just harder to tell because there’s so many more asses in China. We’re totally kicking so much more China ass than Trump did. He just talked about kicking asses, I actually kick asses.
We should support our troops after they come home! And beat cancer! (again)
Let me close with this……..
*applause*
(This actually happened)
When you get old, you’ve seen some shit, man. But I never thought I’d see the shit that I’m seeing now. I see Good America. Trump stands for Bad America. I’ve been in politics forever — they used to tell me I’m too young! At least, that’s what they tell me.
In all my years, we never walked away from a challenge, and I certainly won’t be walking away from this one.
Hate is an OLD idea, but I have a vision for the future. A NEW future of GOOD stuff! You aren’t against Good Stuff, are you? I’m going to save the world like twice, maybe three times! I believe in the American people — I just don’t really trust you to vote, is all. God bless you all!
STILL afraid of commitment? Buy me a coffee on Ko-fi — no subscription required!
The full speech:
https://substack.com/profile/100124894-steven-berger/note/c-51264426
We’re building chip factories! But they’re putting fewer chips in each bag! It’s a ripoff, man!
(Was Elaine Benes brought in to polish up this speech by adding an exclamation point after every sentence?)