The Stank of the Union is Strong

What is that smell?

Wow he can’t even be on time when all the networks are actually carrying what he’s saying live. Unbelievable. And now a long, slow walk to the podium with plenty of time for handshakes. Better than talking, I guess?

Alright, here we go!

Last year covid kept us apart! Dumb rules didn’t do it, covid did! Now we’re here, and that’s awesome!

PUTIN IS SUPER BAD, GUYS! He thought he could just walk right into a country and take it over! What an idiot, right? Everybody knows that people will fight for their homes against foreign invaders!

We stand with the Ukrainian people! If warmongers don’t pay a price, they’ll keep warmongering! Don’t ask me how I know.

Putin’s attack was premediated. Doesn’t he know you’re supposed to fly in by the seat of your pants like we do? Now all our friends hate Russia as much as we told you to hate Russia! Boo Russia, am I right?

We’re inflicting pain on Russia. Serious pain. Not “we’re going to stop buying your oil” pain, but serious pain. Trust us. We’re freezing bank accounts in Russia. Yeah, we can do that. Plus we can freeze accounts of protestors. Just sayin’. We’re gonna steal all your shit, yo! Oops, the Russian shit. Not the shit of the American people. Promise.

We’ve ruined the Russian economy! Which makes two ruined economies in my first year, a presidential record!

Our troops won’t attack in Ukraine, only defend our NATO allies. The allies who are offering to launch strikes from their airspace. Don’t think too hard about it.

Even though stuff sucks right now, things are going to be okay! Once this war is over, things will go back to how awesome they were the last year before the war started last week! We all want that, don’t we?

But now the world is unified against the Russians’ act of aggression, just like they were unified with our act of aggression two decades ago. Obviously these people have great judgement. Putin can’t take away our solidarity. The real treasure was the friends we made along the way!

Inflation has been terrible, hasn’t it? I know exactly how you feel because when I was a kid 148 years ago, we were poor! We’re not poor anymore, are we Hunter?

Anyway, we’re totally going to fix everything. Unlike the tax cut of the previous administration that allowed Americans to keep their money, our plan gave it to the government. Hasn’t that worked out for everybody? We created so many new jobs last year, you would think there was some sort of once-in-a-century event that forced millions of people out of their jobs.

Trickle-down never works, guys. Everybody knows this. That’s why we have to take the money up here in the government, and spread it out to the people. It will get there eventually. We promise!

We passed the infrastructure law, because it seems like we can’t get anything built these days. But those new roads will be under construction for a decade! It will transform America! You can bet on that.

We’re going to build electric charging stations! So many. And clean water stations in schools! High-speed internet! We’re doing so much stuff, everybody! And we’re gonna do even more because we’re doing so well on the stuff you hadn’t noticed we’re doing. YES WE CAN.

We’re gonna use taxpayer money and give it to unions so they give us campaign donations. It’s fucking brilliant, right? The circle of life! This is the stuff we had to do before Hunter realized he was an amazing artist.

Go outside Columbus and you’ll see an Intel plant! Well, you will soon. Not yet. This brings us up to one, I think? They make crazy stuff there. Have you guys heard of the internet? So many cat pictures!

We’ve got bunches of CEOs waiting on taxpayer money. LET’S GIVE IT TO THEM! All the jobs that were created last year, THAT WAS ALL US! If you give us more money, we get more jobs. It’s science!

Things are super awesome for Americans, except for the ones who are falling behind. The economy came roaring back, but the pandemic stopped companies from hiring. THE PANDEMIC STOPPED COMPANIES FROM HIRING. THE PANDEMIC STOPPED COMPANIES FROM HIRING. Say it with me. “The pandemic stopped companies from hiring.” Very good.

So we’re going to fight inflation by lowering costs! We can do that with, say…..two trillion dollars? We’ll use it for new car factories so you can buy a new car for cheaper since it will be built in America! ECONOMICS 101 here, people!

Super smart people have agreed that my plan is super awesome. And smart people are never wrong. First, we need to cut the cost of prescription drugs. Boo big pharma! These greedy SOBs will do anything to make a buck! Government doesn’t care if it makes money, so we don’t care how much anything costs. True story.

We’re saving so much on health care right now, we should make all these savings permanent. We can lower other prices too! Child care, for one! It’s expensive! Government should pay those costs, not you! But we’re not done with you yet! Affordable housing! Have you noticed your rent prices lately? You’re welcome!

We need to fix the tax system, too! It’s full of loopholes! I’m sure the lawyers here in Congress can come up with even crazier loopholes, so I’m gonna give them a crack at it. We’re gonna tax the corporations because they don’t even pay taxes! We can totally do this! Trust us, we’ll do what’s right for you!

My plan actually shrinks the deficit, too! Once again, super smart people said so, and when do government projects ever run over budget? I can’t remember a single one.

I also lowered the deficit so much! More than anybody ever! That’s why I deserve to spend more than anybody ever! Otherwise the corporations are going to take over! We can show them, and we will, just as soon as we stop counting their donations.

Under my watch, Medicare will set higher standards for nursing homes. That will lower prices right there. BAM. Also raise the minimum wage to $15! That will lower prices as well! More money to community colleges means lower prices! More unions! Lower prices! This isn’t rocket science, guys.

Covid was super terrible, but because we are so amazing, we’re moving forward safely! It’s a new dawn! All the bad metrics are down to levels not seen since last summer! It’s totally a coincidence, by the way. The virus IS NOT SEASONAL. We’re gonna keep fighting the virus. That means vaccines! And boosters! And soon boosters for your boosters!

If you want to jab your kids, don’t worry, we’re gonna get to that as soon as we can! Plus we have this super new covid pill! We’re ordering millions of them because covid is over now! And they will all be free! Free free free!

You can keep wearing your masks if you want! Plus keep testing yourself every day! We’ve already paid for all the tests, so go ahead and order some more! Four should do it, right?

People shouldn’t work from home anymore. Have you seen downtowns lately? Yikes. Plus, our kids need to be in school! Luckily all the stuff we did totally kept them safe. Otherwise kids would be at the same amount of risk as other kids around the world.

All this stuff costs money, so we’re gonna need more cash to combat this virus that’s totally over now. And we’ll keep spending money, too. No wall can keep out the vaccine. Err….the vaccines stop the spread. Uh……..

But now we can move forward instead of being divided by partisan politics. And we can do that by pretending that we’ve always been united with the correct politics of the other side. Only the moral righteousness of our side allows us to bridge this divide. Aren’t we fabulous?

We’re gonna spend more money on police! More police programs! We’re gonna FUND the police! See what we did there? Ha, that was brilliant.

We need to pass more gun control laws! WHY SHOULD ANYBODY ON A TERRORIST LIST BE ALLOWED TO BUY A GUN? By the way, have you heard that your friends and neighbors are considered terrorists? No? Great.

So many laws are being passed to ruin the vote, which was totally fine last election! We need to ensure anybody can vote anywhere, at any time, and not have that ballot questioned at all. This preserves the sanctity of our vote!

We need to fix our border and our immigration system! No, this isn’t racist! We have new scanners and patrols to catch people sneaking into the country! Who in the heck invited all these people in, maybe by saying they should get free healthcare? Then we can make new laws so people can come here to work!

Speaking of laws, I’ve signed a lot of them. So many bills. Haven’t you noticed how awesome things are because of all the laws I’ve been passing? It’s been really great. But we can do more. Beat opioids, for example. Big Pharma is terrible!

We need lots more money for mental health. The pandemic drove everybody crazy. Not the response, THE PANDEMIC. Got it? Social media is super bad for our kids, and we’re helpless as parents to do anything about it! Government is the only way!

Third, we need to support our veterans! Like, damn, how have we not been doing this already, right? They come home from war and they aren’t the same. Who would subject these young Americans to the horrors of war? Only a disgusting warmongering politician. Like Putin. We need to pay for the cancer bills of the soldiers we sent to fight for us.

Finally we’re gonna beat cancer. It’s a pretty big deal, but we did it! Or, we will do it. But how about a round of applause anyway? We’re gonna need to fund cancer research because there’s gonna be a lot of cancer going around the next decade or so. Uh…..maybe.

Generations of great Americans have stood here and pondered great questions regarding freedom. Now I’m here. Neat, huh? Even so, America remains strong! We’re stronger today than we were a year ago! And we are, because of you!

Oh and God protect the troops.

Edit: Highlight #1

Edit 2: Full Speech