(Note: The worst part of doing these is being subjected to the mainstream media and their brainless blabbering until we get to Biden and HIS brainless blabbering. But even CBS is admitting things are going badly and Americans blame Biden…….)
Let’s take a moment to give a round of applause to you, the new (but very old) Congress! We all won elections! Congrats us! We’re really quite wonderful, aren’t we? But especially Nancy Pelosi! She really embodies everything that we strive to be — filthy rich being right there at the top of the list.
America doesn’t give up! We’re always stronger after a crisis, and nothing has been a bigger crisis than my presidency. We created so many jobs that you’d think we made it illegal to go to work! Back then, covid closed down our schools and stuff, but today we beat covid (well, in May). We stopped paying attention to covid so now it doesn’t control our lives! Hurray us!
America is about possibility! Back in the past, the parties came together to do stuff! That was peak America. Now I’ve signed a whole bunch of bipartisan stuff, because it’s important I work with Republicans now that I’m forced to work with Republicans.
Fighting for the sake of fighting gets us nowhere. We need to stop the hollowing out of the middle class, which I oversaw during my political career. Then we lost our sense of self-worth. Well, not MINE — my self-worth is doing quite well, actually. My dad told me that a job was about dignity — that’s why I’ve avoided real jobs my entire life.
If we just ignore the people who stopped looking for work, unemployment is amazing! Why can’t we manufacture stuff here? It’s because of the laws that — once again — I voted for during my political career. MORE LAWS ARE THE ANSWER TO THESE LAWS!
Inflation is coming down, by which I mean prices are still going up, but slightly less quickly than before! THAT’S ALL ME, BABY!!
People have been opening small businesses to get some hope. Can you make a living on Onlyfans? If you can, Uncle Sam wants his cut.
We couldn’t make cars because we couldn’t get enough computer chips. Why did we send our manufacturing chips overseas again? The only way to reverse this disastrous course of action is with another disastrous course of action. CENTRAL PLANNING ALWAYS WORKS, AND WE WILL MAKE IT WORK AGAIN!
Intel is building a new campus in America! If it sounds like I’m talking about the same thing as in last year’s State of the Union, don’t blame me — it’s the only good story we can find. Sure, you might be losing your job, but somewhere else, 3,000 jobs are being created!
Of course, all these jobs need infrastructure, and nobody can build the roads except government. We passed such a good law that people are still pooping themselves over it! So many new jobs and rebuilding projects — many of them the same projects I talked about last year. In the White House we bet if you would notice — I took “no”.
Nothing unites America like government-run projects! Across Boston, everybody had the same opinion about the Big Dig. That’s a consensus the free market just can’t create! We’re going to take that “Big D” energy and deliver it to the rest of the county. Open wide.
Schools have bad pipes! We’re poisoning the children! Yes, I know I also talked about this last year. But what about high-speed internet? Yeah, I talked about this last year, too! But now we’re gonna Buy American! That’s how we deliver lower prices to rural communities!
My plan is about investing in people. And by that, I mean we’re going to take money from the people and then hand it to different people — our people. It’s been working our pretty well so far!
Jobs are coming back, because people don’t know if they can’t even get ahead anymore. (Spoiler alert: they can’t)
Government is the only way we can pay for medical bills. We’re trying to bring costs down, but it’s difficult because we’re owned so thoroughly by Big Pharma. We can’t even bring down the cost of insulin because of terrible laws. WE CAN FIX THIS WITH MORE LAWS! I am going to stand up to Big Pharma because I know they are filthy rich. (Don’t ask how I know) The obvious solution to this problem is PRICE CONTROLS, which have never backfired ever, that I can remember.
Drug prices are so out of control, we’re going to allow government to negotiate drug prices — just like they negotiated covid vaccine agreements. And if you Republicans try to pull any funny business like passing bills — I WILL VETO THEM!
Some of the temporary things that we did will expire soon, and we all know there’s nothing as permanent as a temporary government program. That’s why we need to extend these items — even though we included the sunset because we couldn’t get the votes otherwise.
Climate change is going to be really bad, everybody. Government can handle this problem, but it’s going to be super expensive. We’re going to build charging stations, still! The climate doesn’t care about you. THE CLIMATE IS A THREAT AND WE MUST DECLARE WAR ON THE CLIMATE! WE’VE GOT TO FINISH THE JOB.
The tax code is not fair! I know, because most of it was written when I was in the Senate passing the loopholes. But now we’re going to make the rich people pay up! PAY UP! PAY UP! GOVERNMENT NEEDS THAT MONEY! I mean it! Think about it!
Big oil just had record profits! THAT’S SUPER BAD! Ignore the fact that government also just had ‘record profits’. Corporations ought to do the right thing, and by the right thing I mean what I want them to do. CLOSE THE LOOPHOLES I OPENED! We want to go after the wealthy tax cheats — at least the ones who don’t have a (D) after their names.
TRUMP SPENT SO MUCH MONEY! THOSE ARE FACTS! And Congress raised the debt ceiling to do it! If you did it for Trump, you can do it for me!
Some Republicans want to cut Social Security and Medicare! Maybe not a majority of you, but at least one! That’s enough for me — we started the one drop rule, remember?
Oh, maybe it turns out Social Security is not on the chopping block! Look what I just did, right here! Everybody stand up for seniors! We’re not going to cut Social Security or Medicare — we’re just going to make the dollars they get worthless.
My plan is going to EXTEND those programs while cutting the deficit, and we’re going to do it by taxing the rich.
People can finally get hearing aids over the counter! WE DID THAT!! Why could they not get hearing aids over the counter before? Uh…………
Nobody likes junk fees, so I’m going to get rid of them. Bank fees are BS. Americans pay hundreds of dollars a month in junk fees. But we’re going to ban those fees! We can stop all of these fees! Airlines can’t treat your kids like baggage! Getting ripped off sucks, so you’re gonna have to get ripped off by us so you don’t get ripped off by them!
It’s time we pay for your childcare! It’s good for the economy! Let’s pay for houses! Let’s pass my plan and we can pay for it all — by first taking it from you.
Education is basically the shining hallmark of our country. But we need more than 12 years to finish the job! Preschool is important! We should pay teachers more! More grants and loans!
Back when schools were closed, it was super bad. But now the schools are open and now covid doesn’t have a grip on us! Covid deaths are down by 90%! (WTF?!?!?!?) But the pain of covid will never go away. That’s why we need to continue to fund covid, which totally won’t be an emergency in May.
We’re also going to go after the people who stole money from government. We fucking hate those people and we’re going to attack them with everything we have. Covid left scars, like all that violent crime in 2020 that we don’t talk about anymore.
Imagine if you had your child killed by the police. White people don’t have to worry about this stuff. But it’s up to us to fix it. Everybody has a right to go home safe at night, not just the police. We ask police to do too much, but they have to do better. More training, maybe? Also more cash for mental health issues. More intervention programs! MORE GOVERNMENT DOING ALL THE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Uvalde police really botched the entire crisis, so we must pass gun control to ensure only the police are armed. WE MUST DO SOMETHING! WE MUST BAN ASSAULT WEAPONS LIKE THE SEMI-AUTOMATIC PISTOL!
Also, let’s come together on immigration. If you guys would just start ignoring the border like I am, this wouldn’t be an issue! If we don’t pass my bill, we can’t secure the border — which totally isn’t broken, by the way.
We must do something to pass abortion laws, which we had most of my career to do but didn’t manage to do. If the Republicans want to ban abortion, I WILL VETO THAT!
A year ago, Putin attacked Ukraine! It’s been quite a test for the world, but we’ve shoveled money hand over fist into Ukraine — CHA-CHING! — test passed! How about a big round of applause for holding out on the Ukraine war for AN ENTIRE YEAR! And we stand here tonight, still willing to fight to the last Ukrainian — as long as that takes.
Our country wants more peace. (WTF!?!??!?!?!?)
China wants to take over the future — I have this on VERY good authority. But we’re in a good position to take them on, when we’re not working with China to undermine America. I shot down a spy balloon, and now China knows I mean business!
NAME ME A WORLD LEADER!
NAME ME ONE!
FIVE LETTERS, SECOND LETTER I!
I’M STUMPED!
Last year we did a ton of stuff, and you can see how well that worked out for everybody! 2022 was an unforgettable year for nearly everybody. But we can do more!
Fentanyl is terrible, and we’re going to spend money to crack down on it!
We’re going to hold social media companies accountable for what they’re doing to our kids! You know how we hate Big Tech! (wink, wink)
Veterans shouldn’t be homeless, so we should be paying their rent. 17 veterans a day are committing suicide on my watch after dealing with the VA. Clearly the answer is more government.
Cancer is a very personal problem to a lot of people. That’s why it’s important that we beat cancer. I know we already beat cancer during last year’s State of the Union, but now we need to beat it again. So let’s give a round of applause to us for doing it — until next year, when we’ll need to do it again.
The reason that we can do all these awesome things in America is because of democracy. But that democracy is under attack, like Paul Pelosi. But there’s no place for political violence in America unless we’re the ones conducting it via FBI investigation.
We have to see each other, not as enemies — except those fucking MAGA insurrectionists. But despite them, the state of the union is strong!
I’ve been here basically as long as any of you, but I’ve never been more optimistic about the future. I’m going to go get my pudding now! YIPEE!
Reading through this again, very sad nobody commented on this part:
NAME ME A WORLD LEADER!
NAME ME ONE!
FIVE LETTERS, SECOND LETTER I!
I’M STUMPED!
I can't believe how much of this speech was recycled from last year.