The Best Part of Monday
Just hit your inbox
Note for new subscribers: On Monday, I recap some of the positive stories/funny memes I’ve come across in the last week. Feel free to add your own in the comments!)
Happy Monday, Screamers! Hope that everybody had a great weekend and can finally get some sleep now that government has solved the crisis created by government. I know I sure feel better knowing that Mitch McConnell is still working in Congress every single day……
*puking sounds*
Getting to ACTUAL good news, I’ve got to start with an update to this Friday’s article batting about the idea of getting together in-person for some meetups! I THINK the piece has gotten the most comments out of any of my articles on Substack, and most of you seem pretty stoked on the idea!
Yesterday I went through comments and set up a very rough estimate of initial interest, noting instances in which people gave moderately specific locations AND indicated they were interested in meeting. (When I wasn’t sure, I left the area off the map — but like I said, this is a very rough first draft, so just leave a comment below and ask to be added!) The “how far would you travel” poll was roughly split, so I plotted a 120-mile radius (roughly 2 hours) around each meeting site to give a general idea of the area covered. That gives us this first-draft map of potential meetup sites……and it’s a beautiful thing to behold!
Due to the nature of meetups, we’re probably going to need some sort of local coordination for each individual meetup — where and when to meet being the most important decisions. My goal is to get some anonymous email servers up and running so that interested parties can coordinate with one another. (If anybody has any experience here, please let me know!) A few people already expressed handling this type of local coordination, but if you want to handle the nuts and bolts of your local meetup, just leave a message below!
Now that we’ve got THAT out of the way, let’s get to the adorable cats! Observe how felines in their natural habitat move as one, as if guided by an outside force……..
When the kids want to play but you’re a grouchy old man:
Even in today’s economy, there are some amazing deals out there:
No wonder there’s only one left!
For this next story, keep your hands inside the ride at all times and ensure your seat belt is firmly fastened, because it’s a doozy of a roller coaster……..
The saga starts at Donovan Elementary School in Ohio. The school recently put on the first of many planned “ice cream Friday” events. Sounds great, right? Ice cream and comradery! But take a look at the actual (now deleted) announcement:
Is there a metaphor for government better than how they can manage to screw up a party? (LOL that’s one of my first articles on Substack….4 likes and 3 comments!)
I can MAYBE see the reasoning for not allowing kids who are negative on their lunch balances to get ice cream on ‘credit’. But there’s much less logic behind “those kids also can’t BUY ice cream with cash” — and almost none behind “you can’t buy an ice cream for your friend”. These rules are about punishing and ostracizing the kids — who aren’t even the ones responsible for the negative balance in the first place!
After reading these infuriating rules, Naiyozcsia Thomason — known as Mz. Jade of Mz.Jade’s SoulFood — stepped in paid off the negative balances of every child in the school!
ICE CREAM FOR ALL!
Mike Rowling of MSR Transportation also kicked in $5,000 to ensure lunch balances remain positive and everybody can enjoy ice cream in the future! What a win for humanity and compassion!
But hold on, we’re not off this roller coaster yet:
What the fuck! Who would do such a terrible thing immediately after Mz.Jade does such an awesome thing for the kids in her community? Why do people suck so bad?
THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!
But with one more twist from a Facebook comment thread……
…….we finish the ride with a happy ending after all!
Speaking of stories with happy endings……..
Legend says he’s still walking to this day……
In honor of New York Rep. Jamaal Bowman pulling a fire alarm in Cannon House Office Building and then claiming he was just an idiot, our very own BradK created this meme:
We really are ‘ruled’ by a bunch of idiotic middle schoolers. (Fun side note, in his old job as a middle school principal, there’s no way Jamaal Bowman would have accepted “I didn’t know what would happen” as an excuse!)
Dog: Watch me pull of this sick jump, bro:
Cat: Watch me pull off this sick jump, bro:
The difference between cats and dogs, in 38 seconds:
That’s all for today’s post! What did you come across this week that made you laugh?
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MTG just posted a video ripping apart the "I'm just an idiot" defense of Bowman -- shows the area and everything.
https://twitter.com/RepMTG/status/1708928278747074624
Here's the logic behind the "no ice cream for you" mandate: this was never about a party or doing something nice for the kids. Some amateur Neil-Ferguson-behavior-tyrant type at that school set this up this as a "nudge" to get the kids to do the unpleasant work of shaming their parents into paying their lunch balances. The generous lady who paid their bills admittedly solved that problem, but for some of these petty power-hungry tinpots the wielding of the carrot+stick *is* the end, not just a means. I'm sure they were secretly disappointed, and it would not at all shock me to find that the assistant principal was the window vandal.