After near-endless speculation about Biden’s cognitive ability due to his terrible debate performance last month, the President is holding a “Big Boy” press conference to assuage the public’s fears about his fitness. (I’m old enough to remember all the way back to February when he was forced to do the same thing. That press conference lasted just under 13 minutes.)
I’m watching so you don’t have to. (Biden’s late, as usual. Even after moving the press conference back an hour.)
Hello everybody, thanks for waiting! We just finished this year’s NATO summit, and I’m going to ask all of you to forget that I just called the president of Ukraine “President Putin.” Everybody agrees I did a fantastic job as host. NATO is the most important thing ever because it opposes Russia, like I do! NATO is important because Putin is basically Hitler — and we stopped Hitler once, didn’t we?
Luckily, I rallied the world and stopped New Hitler in his tracks! We’re now stronger than we’ve ever been because we sent so much of our weapons to Ukraine! But Bad Orange Man doesn’t like NATO! He does love Putin, though! He said the Ukraine invasion was “GENIUS”! BUT I WILL NOT BOW DOWN TO PUTIN! I’m going to keep Ukraine strong, until there are no Ukrainians left! I promise!
Every American must ask if they are safer with NATO — and I’ll answer that for them right now. YES! America must lead the world! And we do, because our economy is so amazing! Inflation is the lowest it’s been in three years! But idiot Trump wants tariffs — that’s dumb. That’s basically a tax, and taxes are bad!
Another thing that is bad is the border, but that’s Trump’s fault, too. Luckily, I fixed it on my own with an executive order. Take that, Orange Man.
The situation in Israel is hard, but I can handle it. We’re basically already handling it right now, actually. It’s actually basically already handled. Consider it handled, please.
We can do anything because we’re the United States of America!
Now let me read from this list of people I’ve been instructed to call on. (OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE HE SAID THIS)
Reporter: Are you staying in? What about VP Harris?
Biden: VP Trump is awesome. That’s why I made her VP. I can beat Trump. I already did it. My numbers are bad, but not historically bad, so I’m basically still the frontrunner because of all the progress we made. Did you know I created millions of jobs?
Reporter: LOL You just called Zelenski President Putin. Isn’t that embarrassing?
Biden: I’m not embarrassed. I barely even know what you’re talking about. I just pulled off the best NATO conference in the history of the world. Everybody said BIDEN IS THE BEST. Well, anyway, the conference was great.
Reporter: You realize it’s all Democrats who want you to drop out, right? Shouldn’t you maybe think about your legacy?
Biden: I’m not in this for my legacy, I’m here to finish the job I started. Everybody thought there was going to be terrible inflation, but what are they saying now? Checkmate! I stopped trickle down by handing out trillions of dollars to the politically connected! Everybody thinks everything is awesome! I come from the corporate world (LOL!) but corporate profits have doubled! We’re gonna get us some of that cash! I’m pro-union, because when unions do better, my voters do better! Trump wanted to build computer chips for cheap — idiot. I told South Korea to build them here. That should turn this ship around. We can keep doing what we’ve been doing the last three years, and Americans should be happy about that!
Reporter: Why is VP Harris so great?
Biden: She’s a woman, and she handles women’s issues! That’s why I picked her, duh! Listen, if I can be president, Harris can be president!
Reporter: Being president is hard. How are you gonna keep doing it with your early bedtime?
Biden: That’s not true! I just have an earlier bedtime! Trump’s just golfing. What a loser. I’m doing major events, man! I’m not gonna travel before the next debate! (What the actual fuck is this?) Also, my staff adds stuff to my speeches! Jill hates that.
Reporter: President Zelenski wants more weapons. Why are you so mean? Also, people are worried about the NEXT bad night, ya dig?
Biden: We’ve allowed Zelenski to use American weapons to fire into Russia. But how far should we let him? We don’t want him striking Moscow. We’re basically running the war in Ukraine. As long as I keep getting the job done, I can keep working, right? And look at how awesome I am! That’s why I can’t slow down! There’s no indication I can’t keep doing it…except that bedtime I just talked about.
Reporter: Elections have worldwide impact. Leaders in Europe like you, but everybody’s worried Trump is going to win and then leave Europe on its own. What is your advice to other world leaders?
Biden: They all want me to run and win, and that’s what I’m gonna do. We can’t let Trump win! He just learned about NATO, maybe! He loves authoritarians, just like Hitler — and that worries Europe. Everybody knows Putin won’t stop in Ukraine and will roll over Europe. But I can shut all that down and bring everybody into NATO like I did for Finland and Sweden! We’re all ganging up on Russia!
Reporter: One of the things you guys did in this NATO meeting was to call China an enabler of the Ukraine war. How are you gonna stop that?
Biden: We’re gonna shut all that down. I spend time with Xi all the time. He believes China is big enough that they force their trade partners to do ABC or D. We gotta stop that. We’ll do some sanctions or tariffs or something. I have a direct line to Xi, and I’ll make him pay for undercutting the American economy with their silly little Chinese rules. I’ll tariff Chinese electrical vehicles!
Reporter: But how are you gonna do it?
Biden: It’s a secret plan. But it’s awesome and it involves new weapon systems — and selling those new weapon systems to Europe.
Reporter: Will you be up to dealing with Putin and Xi in three years?
Biden: I’m ready to handle them now, and I’ll handle them in three years. I don’t really talk to Putin because he’s such a meaniehead. Putin sucks at war, he can’t even take over Ukraine. But if he wins, they aren’t stopping in Ukraine. I’ll talk to anybody, but Putin doesn’t really want to talk to me. We should expand NATO to Australia and maybe start fighting China, too?
Reporter: It’s been 10 months since the war in Israel started. Do you feel any personal responsibility? Also, weren’t you supposed to just do one term?
Biden: I met with basically everybody to figure it out, but Israel didn’t want us to bring aid to the people they were bombing. That war cabinet is basically the MAGA of the Middle East. I guess I wish our port worked better. I told Israel not to occupy the country, just go after the people who did it. (Unexpected Ron Paul) We gotta end the war! I’m more popular in Israel than here!
As for running again, it’s too important to beat Trump. I can’t leave this to anybody else. All the historians tell me that I’m awesome, and I think that I’m awesome, so now here I am to save America from itself.
Reporter: Democrats are waiting for you to crash and burn……
Biden: I’m gonna run, but I have to do events so the people understand how awesome I am. And they’ve seen that since the debate, I think. I’m doing events and stuff like a real boy! Did I mention how long I was in the Senate? Do you know how AWESOME that is? I should go around the country and tell everybody how awesome I am. It could be like a planned event or something. Why do I have to think of everything?
KIDS ARE BEING SHOT, PEOPLE! That’s why I have to win - because it’s about freedom. (WTF?)
When I talked in front of Freedom Hall, you guys were like WTF why is he talking about this? But it’s obvious that I was right, wasn’t I? Look at the Supreme Court! Look at Project 2025! Only I can win because there’s so much at stake!
Reporter: So will you take some tests to assure the people?
Biden: Oh, I’ve done that. Trust me. I’m fine — it’s just my brain. My staff all tells me I’m a big boy and that I’m so special! I’m gonna fix Japan and Korea! Age helps you get wisdom! I’ll take a test if my doctor tells me to take a test — but my doctor was specifically chosen because he won’t tell me to take a test. Trump is really the one who’s losing his marbles.
Reporter: Shouldn’t we be letting Ukraine attack further into Russia? Also, can your delegates vote for somebody else?
Biden: Sure, but they won’t, because democracy! I was in the Senate for a long, long time. Down-ballot candidates are just scared — they should look at the polling data instead! (I think that’s exactly what they’re doing.) Besides, the polls are fake. I see polls that say I’m winning! The campaign has barely started! Lots of us could beat Trump, when it comes down to it. We have a bunch of cash!
Reporter: What if Harris was doing better than you in the polls?
Biden: The polls aren’t saying that. See you later!
Reporter: Earlier tonight you called VP Harris VP Trump, and Trump is already mocking you for that. What do you think about that?
Biden: Bah, humbug!
Afraid of commitment? Buy me a coffee on Ko-fi — no subscription required!
As always, the full press conference is below: (Biden takes the stage around 01:12:00)
“The idea that…..”
“No joke.”
“Look, Folks”
“Well anyway “
Did I miss one? 😆
Vice President Trump was my favorite part. Especially right after the President Putin comment.