Joe Biden Mumbles in Primetime

I cover it all.......

Hello everybody. Lots of people died recently in Israel, and Americans were taken hostage by Hamas. As president, there’s no higher priority than those hostages, God help them.

When I went to Israel, as no other president has done, I told the people there that we’re on the side of Israel. The hospital explosion was NOT done by the Israelis — they told me so.

But remember that Putin is super bad, too, guys! He steals children! Totally disgusting. He’s like the government version of Hamas. But Hamas is the terrorist version of Hamas.

But back to Putin. He’s super bad, guys. So bad. We have to beat them. The Russians AND Hamas. We have to beat them both. With money. And weapons. We must escalate the war so that Putin doesn’t escalate the war. Escalate to de-escalate. The war to end all wars! We can do it!

We don’t want American troops fighting against Russia, to be honest we don’t really care WHO does it, as long as there’s no political ramifications for us. But if Russia wins, then Iran wins, and then Hamas wins. IT’S ALL CONNECTED, PEOPLE!

But I, Joe Biden, have come up with a brilliant plan to stop this “domino effect”, and the best part is that it will actually HELP Americans! We’re the world police, and being the world police makes us safe!

That’s why we need more funding for Israel and Ukraine. It’s a SMART INVESTMENT, everybody! If we blow them up over there, they won’t hate us over here! Why has nobody thought of this before?

We can fund the Iron Dome, and beat the shit out of Israel’s enemies. But legally — like we want Israel to beat the shit of Hamas. We must fund humanitarian missions to Israel’s enemies, so that Israel knows that they are safe.

For some reason, everybody in America hates one another. It’s baffling to me, the most popular president ever, Joe Biden. Today Jewish kids don’t want to go to school, the same as other groups of American kids. Remember 9/11? USA! USA! America! Fuck Yeah!

We must denounce both sides of the hate coin, because we are funding both sides of the hate coin. We can all debate and disagree without being targeted — except those fucking MAGA extremists, you know. We reject all forms of hate — except against those fucking MAGA extremists, you know.

The important thing about the war in Israel is that we don’t stop funding the war in Ukraine. We’re totally beating Putin in Ukraine, but if we fail, Russia will overrun all of Europe. Putin is also in league with Iran, who is in league with Hamas!

WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED?!?!?

We totally have all this stuff sitting around, why not send it to Ukraine to get blown up? Then we get to have NEW stuff sitting around — and I bet we can find a use for that stuff, too! If you think about it, building shit to blow up is American. Who else could do what we do?

When I bravely went to Ukraine, which no president had ever done before, I saw America there. They had ice cream. Such good ice cream. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the air raid sirens. They reminded me of America, too. I love ice cream.

Everybody around the world looks to the United States as a shining example of what’s possible. And they see me, Joe Biden.

Full speech is already up: