I'm This Message and I Approve of Joe Biden

(Just once I would like one of these things to start on time. My idea of fun is not waiting around for Joe Biden to speak while staring at a still frame of Joe Biden speaking. Sure is interesting that NBC News has turned off the chat for this broadcast, though!)

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Thank you everybody! It’s good to be wherever I am today talking to whoever you are. Of course, I’m talking to you once again about January 6th. But first, I’m going to talk about George Washington, who took on the greatest army in the history of the world. He was a domestic terrorist and wouldn’t have put up with my administration, that’s for sure. His ragtag army made of ordinary people overthrew the tyranny of the current government.

Hold on, I think maybe this story isn’t going the way I hoped it would…..

Anyway, let’s yammer about January 6th again. Isn’t it a terrible thing that a bunch of ordinary people protest against the overreach of government? What’s democratic about that? We’re for democracy, but Donald Trump is for Donald Trump. What a big jerkface. Our campaign is about YOU! When you go to the grocery store or pay your rent, you should know who’s responsible for your situation — Joe Biden.

On January 6th, people were attacking the police! That’s totally not cool, guys.

POLICE OFFICERS DIED, EVERYBODY! Ignore the fact that they killed themselves under extremely dubious circumstances. Trump just sat and watched it happen! Well, he also tweeted out to remain peaceful, but we got that wiped off the internet.

Imagine if he had told his people to stop! We wouldn’t have this problem today because we would totally start treating him fairly! We got 81 million votes! Everybody knows 2020 was the cleanest election ever! WE TOLD YOU IT’S TRUE SO YOU CAN’T QUESTION IT!

In Atlanta, we’ve turned our cheaters into martyrs! Now Rudy Giuliani has to pay them off. Pretty sweet trick, right? Also, FOX NEWS has to pay Dominion a bunch of money, so that proves the machines are clean! I won and he’s a loser! HA HA LOSER!

But then Trump orchestrated January 6th to violently stay in power! He wants to pardon the people who stormed the capitol — and not just Ray Epps! That’s crazy! One police officer was more scared on January 6th than in Iraq! That makes it true!

Trump is trying to steal history by changing what happened on that day! But we saw it with our own eyes, so we DO NOT need to release video of what happened! IT’S INSURRECTION AND YOU CANNOT QUESTION THIS!

Political violence is never ever acceptable in the United States, except when we’re doing it. Trump laughed about Paul Pelosi, which is NOT cool. When I threaten Trump, THAT’S cool!

Trump has insurrectionists singing at his rallies! HE LOVES INSURRECTIONISTS! He doesn’t care about you, he just wants revenge for how he was treated for four years. He would be a dictator ON DAY ONE, unlike me, who only rescinded all his executive orders! Trump wants to ignore the Constitution — which is totally different from me, who only wants the CDC to ignore the Constitution.

Trump makes me so mad I want to punch him out!

Trump wants to deploy the US Military on American soil and talks like Hitler! Did I mention that he wants revenge? Does he want revenge for Hitler? I think so!

I swore on the bible, so you know I’m one of the good guys! When I sworn in, National Guard soldiers were lined up to protect me. It really made you wonder what happened to all those National Guard troops on January 6th. But don’t think about that too hard.

There’s no doubt about the truth of January 6th, which is why you don’t need to see what actually happened. But now because of politics, the GOP is abandoning the view that January 6th was worse than the Civil War. I will defend the truth by redefining what it is! I will continue to stand up for our democracy by completely demolishing it!

This election, it’s clear that democracy is on the ballot! Hopefully Trump won’t be, but that’s ALSO democracy! What kind of country would we be if one ‘elected official’ could just do what he wanted? That’s TYRANNY…..at least when Trump does it.

If elections are fake, then you have no ability to choose your own destiny. You’ll be forced to stay in your 15-minute city and eat bugs. Biden 2024!

Remember when Trump said that he liked bad people across the world? Who would do that, as the chief diplomat of our country? I will continue to call people names and edge us closer to World War III. DEMOCRACY!

Also Trump wants to ban books. Know who else did that? Me neither, but I bet he was a bad dude.

You can’t look at politics as all-out war….at least if you don’t control the Department of Justice or the FBI. America is built on an IDEA, like Antifa! Don’t look too closely about what that idea is, and definitely don’t compare that idea to how I govern. Just believe me when I say I’m the good guy and Orange Man Bad.

The minorities are destroying America!

Hold on, I mean……a minority of people are destroying America. It’s MAGA! They were defeated in 2022 after we propped them up to appear in the general.

You can’t love America only if you win! I care about all Americans, even those who didn’t vote for me — hold on I need to call them domestic terrorists again.

When George Washington fought against the corrupt government with his army of everyday people, it was the best thing in the history of the world.

When January 6thers fought against the corrupt government with their army of everyday people, it was insurrection. Why weren’t they stopped by the picture of George Washington? Obviously it’s because they’re racist.

In America the leaders don’t hold onto power after they’re voted out — they rig the system so they never get voted out. That’s why we’re the greatest nation on Earth — government!

In America we’re not weighed down by grievances and we’re not going around as victims. (Uh….say what?) America is winning, and that’s patriotism! We know who Donald Trump is, but who are we?

No, seriously, who are we?

Regardless of who we are, I’m optimistic because I remembered that we’re the United States! I get pudding! We can do whatever we want, even send the FBI to raid farms!

The drugs are wearing off, I gotta go.

Edit to post the actual speech: