Hunter Biden: The Smartest Man In America
I didn't recently sit down for an interview with Hunter in the White House
Me: From the endorsement of Chinese energy titans to Ukrainian biolabs and corporate boards, everything you touch seems to turn into unfathomable piles of money. Is it fair to say that it’s Hunter Biden’s world, and we’re all just helpless screaming passengers along for the ride?
Hunter: “You forgot my painting, but yeah I think that’s fair! It’s been a great run, but the key to any good………businessman……..is the ability to look FORWARD. Not to get too high on what you’ve done yesterday, you know what I mean? The millions of dollars cashing in on my dad’s political office have been great, but they won’t last my whole life. As hard for it is for me to say it, the Big Guy won’t be around forever. At his advanced age, nearly anything could do him in: heart attack, stroke, the dementia winning once and for all, hell - even covid could do it!”
“Or a terrible fall down the stairs!” a cackling Kamala Harris exclaims from behind a plant perched suspiciously close to the staircase leading down from the Executive Residence.
“Or a terrible fall down the stairs! The point is, soon dad will be underground. But that doesn’t mean I have to stop profiting from his name! I’ve studied the American landscape from one coast to the other, and I have identified a HUGE potential market where I have a complete monopoly!”
What industry could you possibly have a complete monopoly over?
“The Biden gravesite! If there’s one thing Americans agree on, it’s that they HATE Joe Biden! They hate him so much I’m betting they’d pay good money to visit his grave and……”
I’ve got to stop you right there. Are you saying that you’re going to sell tickets so that people can urinate on your dad’s grave?
“Of course not, that’s crazy talk!”
Hunter’s eyes light up like an addict who’s found a crack rock stuck to the asscheck of his underage hooker prostitute escort sex worker.
“They’ll be able to do ANYTHING they want graveside! If you want to be pedestrian and piss or shit on the grave, go ahead! But we encourage free expression, and if that means you wanna smoke a little crack or have sex with a family member during your allotted time, we’re all for it!” Hunter shows his commitment to free expression by smoking a little crack before continuing.
“But that’s not all! This isn’t just a gravesite, it’s an EXPEREINCE! We’ll sell pictures of you at the grave. Every hour on the hour we’ll pass out ‘party favors’ to people in line. ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ T-Shirts. Sodas and hot dogs, too, but we’re calling them Hunter Dogs. Even got the perfect slogan: Stuff your face with Hunter’s meat! My family sure loves it!”
“I’m telling you, Commander, this is a can’t-miss business. And the best part? Dad won’t be around to take half!” Hunter cackles along with Kamala as he lights up another crack rock, obscuring the room in smoke.
I had to admit, the idea did have a certain appeal. And if I squinted my eyes just right, I could almost see Hunter’s vision coming true:
By the way, Commander. I happened upon this interesting, little-followed Twitter account of someone who’s doing some pretty interesting analysis of WA State COVID and Vaxx data that they FOIA’d. If you get a chance, it’s worth perusing their timeline. Some good stuff.
https://mobile.twitter.com/ridicuvosity
I also did not sit down with Hunter. I was afraid that he might be contagious.