Biden Holds Press Conference

At least he stopped hating on the unvaccinated

The president is speaking today, and for some reason I’m watching. Let’s go.

Biden: It turns out, the last year has actually been really great. There are all sorts of economic records, and I’m responsible! Small business applications are through the roof! No word on the fate of existing small businesses. We’re going to get high speed internet to everybody! Mostly by handing money to Comcast, but let’s move on!

Covid is really hard! Who could have guessed this? Not me, that’s for sure. That’s why nobody can get a test. Was I not supposed to say that out loud? Anyway, we shouldn’t panic because we have all these super ways to beat the virus, like vaccines and masks. “We’re going to stick with our vaccination efforts because vaccinations work.” (That was an actual direct quote from the actual president of the US.)

There should have been more tests, but who could have predicted cases would explode in the winter? Not me, and not my experts. Luckily, we bought a bunch of new pills from Pfizer, so we’re totally in a good place now. We’re not doing lockdowns or closing schools, unless the teachers’ unions are really powerful. Then, screw the kids.

This isn’t a new normal. IT WILL GET BETTER. I WILL YELL IT AT YOU. We’re not there yet, but spring is right around the corner!

Inflation is a bad problem everywhere, not just in America. You greedy fuckers need to lower your expectations and take the hit. Since the Fed printed a shitload of dollars last year, prices went up. Who could have seen that coming? Not me. We’ll fix this problem by printing trillions of dollars and allowing the government to dole it out, and calling that a growing economy. This is a fool-proof plan.

Covid really screwed everything up, didn’t it? It totally wasn’t government overreaction, it was the virus! Honest! But it turns out we’re actually doing really well! Ignore those empty shelves you see on TV, shelves are 89% full! 100% at Nancy Pelosi’s house!

We need to Build Back Better© and print those trillions of dollars to lower the prices you pay for stuff! You might remember how well this worked for medical bills, and now we’re going to spread that genius to the rest of the economy. Price caps always work! Plus, this is all free! It’s actually going to lower the deficit! A bunch of smart people that I pay told me this will work. That’s why we need to Build Back Better©.

Monopolies are terrible! They reduce competition and increase prices! A question?

"Isn’t government a monopoly?"

Moving right along, we’re getting through these tough times that are actually pretty great because of the stuff I talked about before. Now if we can just Whip Inflation Now, everything will be great. Well, that and we still gotta beat covid.

Now I’ll actually take questions:

“Turns out everything actually sucks, did you overpromise?”

Oh, no way. I actually outperformed what anybody could have thought. You’d totally be blown away with all the good stuff we did if you’d stop talking about how shitty everything is. Which is the fault of the Republicans, by the way.

Who could have guessed that Republicans would oppose me? Not me. A party that just bases themselves on hating the guy in office is dumb. Our party would totally never do that.

Remember when we passed Obamacare and everybody ended up loving it? We won a lot of seats and that’s a victory! We were too busy to take a victory lap then, but today I’m going to do that. A victory lap around the country were I explain my plan to you idiots.

“Right now your stuff is being held up by your own party. You don’t need any Republicans at all. Shouldn’t you actually put something up that you can pass?”

Hell no! Why would we do that? The public wants all that stuff, and we just have to make the case that we’re the best ones to deliver that! With a small cut off the top for ‘administration,’ of course. The people want all this stuff, they just don’t want to pay for it themselves! That’s where we step in.

“But can you actually pass anything?”

Pieces of Build Back Better© will go through! Also we need to ensure democracy by ensuring there’s zero oversight to ensure ballots are legal. Otherwise you hate America. I’m going to explain that to people in my victory lap.

“Why didn’t you actually call any Republicans for support?”

Well I have to wrangle my party, you know. Plus those guys are Hitler and I can’t be seen working with them.

“If your voting rights bill isn’t passed, can we have confidence in our elections?”

A lot of people see through our plan to rig the elections, but no matter how hard they make it to vote, we’ll come up with the votes to win. I promise you that. If we can just rig this one vote, the rest will be easy.

“You just said schools would be open but they are closed in places. What’s up with that?”

WELL ACTUALLY most schools are open. 95%! Like I said before, the teachers’ unions really have us by the shorthairs in those other 5% of schools. We did all this work to make schools safe, billions of dollars! And we can test students as well! Ignore the fact that kids were never in danger from covid. You fake news people are always focused on the 5% instead of the 95%. You’re not fake news, though.

“RUSSIA IS COMING!”

I have super sanctions ready for Putin. He’ll be knocked flat by the size of my sanctions. Russia will behave, though. If they don’t, it will be a disaster for them. We promise that. I already sent millions of dollars in equipment to our allies so they will get steamrolled by Russia slightly slower.

We’ll shut down Russia’s banks, and Putin understands that. Sure, they can take Ukraine if they want, but it won’t be free. Much like the Taliban in Afghanistan, a small group of well-equipped fighters can beat back a superior military force. Should I not have said that? Anyway, next question.

“RUSSIA IS STILL COMING!”

Putin doesn’t want war. He might test us with some little invasions here and there, but he’ll regret that because we’re so fucking badass. Putin is sad because the Berlin Wall came down. But he’s totally got all this great stuff, like natural gas! He’s just misunderstood, really. We can work with him because Ukraine probably isn’t getting into NATO anyway. I shouldn’t say more.

“Are you gonna break up the Build Back Better bill? What about sticking it to those dirty anti-vaxxers by not allowing them to fly?”

The Supreme Court is stupid.

We’re going to have to break up Build Back Better© because it turns out everybody knows it’s a bloated bill that hands out billions to the politically connected. We’re going to break it into smaller bloated bills that hand out billions to the politically connected and hope you don’t notice what we’re doing.

“Americans think life sucks. How long should they expect this to continue?”

Inflation is totally the supply chain, not the money printing. If we make more computer chips, cars will be cheaper and your life will be better. We just have to spend a bunch of money to do that. Which totally won’t drive more inflation.

When I shut down all the pipelines, who could have guessed that prices would spike? Not me. People are paying way too much for gas! We should ramp up production, but nobody really has any ideas. We’ll spend money and will it to happen.

Did I mention that Build Back Better© would actually be better than free? It’s true. I have smart people who told me so. So we need to pass this so we can lower your prices. It makes sense if you don’t think about it.

“Mitch McConnel says the midterms are a report card on you. What do you think?”

That report card is going to be great! Because all the great stuff I’m doing! Mitch just wants to stop me from doing stuff, though. Mitch can’t just be a hater, you gotta be FOR something! Like being against immigration! But not that exactly.

“You said fully vaccinated as two shots, but your experts say a third shot is needed. Why haven’t you changed the definition yet?”

I say for people to get their booster shot all the time. It’s basically my motto. You’re protected with two shots. But better protected with three shots. “It’s all part of the same thing.” (Another real quote)

“Did you just give Putin permission to invade Ukraine on a small scale?”

We don’t bluff, so we gotta draw that Red Line and then enforce what we said. These sanctions will hurt Americans! But they will hurt Russians more, and Americans will understand that and won’t mind if their lives are bad.

“When you said Putin would invade, did you mean Putin would invade?”

That’s up to Putin, not me. If he gets out of bed on the wrong side, then he’ll invade. But he hasn’t yet. I think his bed is up against the wall. My smart people don’t know what he’ll do, but we’re handing our allies guns like a motherfucker.

“Black voters aren’t really down with you anymore and say you used them. What up with that, yo?”

I’ve had the backs of blacks my whole career. And the sides, and the front. Like a mug shot when you get arrested for smoking weed. Get it? Eh, it was funnier in the ‘90s. You gotta understand the timing of stuff. When elections are getting closer, we need to pretend to care more. So we’ll be doing that soon. Victory lap, remember? I’ve been doing this so long I literally got a vote from Strom Thurmond! I should talk about that more. People are really impressed with that. Especially black people.

“Is Harris going to be on the ticket if you run again?”

LOL there’s no way I’m running again, so sure.

“You said you were going to unite people, but you speech the other day you said people who opposed you were like noted Democrat George Wallace.”

No, I didn’t say you WERE George Wallace, only on the side of George Wallace. So that’s been debunked. I really want to unite people, but I didn’t realize how fucking stubborn those asshole Republicans would be! What happened that now Republicans won’t vote for our Totally New Voting Rights Act? It’s not my fault, they need to figure it out. Because if they can’t reach a consensus with us, democracy is dead. It’s up to them to join us, not up to us to create something they will vote for.

“People think government is incompetent. Why are they wrong?”

Like I keep saying, things are great. We’re out of Afghanistan. Let’s not talk about how it happened. We all knew it was hopeless for years and we had no way to win. If only I had some sort of power like a decade ago, I would have made it happen sooner. That Trump sabotaged me with an agreement that our troops wouldn’t be attacked!

Anyway, we can’t solve every problem, so that’s not incompetence. The fact we can’t solve ANY problem isn’t incompetence, either. Anything that is important, we do. If we fuck it up, I’ll continue to proclaim that we’ve done remarkably. Who you gonna believe? After we fired all the nurses, I sent in the military to help! Remarkable, not incompetent! On balance, things are going great! We’re headed on the right track, except all those things that are ruining lives. Look at all these other things that show how great it is, like job growth after we forcefully shut down the economy.

“Would you do anything differently?”

I gotta go out into the world and talk to the people. I’m the most popular president in the history of forever, most of which I’ve witnessed personally. So I’m gonna get involved with our candidates and help them get elected! We’re going to keep telling you that everything is awesome and sooner or later you’re going to believe it.

“Why are you trying to pull the country so far to the left?” (Actual question!)

We haven’t! We just passed all the things that the left wanted. Totally different. I’m not Bernie Sanders, and mainstream Democrats support me. They aren’t the left.

”Did you say the elections might be illegitimate in 2022 if we don’t pass the voting bill?”

Oh, sure. 2020 was the cleanest election ever, and if we don’t change the laws drastically the election will be stolen in 2022.

“So when you said people will be on the side of George Wallace if they don’t vote with you, why did you do that?”

I did not do that. I only said that people who vote on the wrong side are on the side of George Wallace. Because they will be on the side of George Wallace.

We’ve been doing this a long time. You wanna keep going two more hours? LOL just kidding I’m out of here in 20 minutes.

“A poll released this morning found 49% of registered voters think you’re crazy. Why do you think that is?”

I dunno.

“You campaigned on unifying the country. Can you still do that?”

We have to.

”Why should we believe you?”

Dude, I’ve done the most of any president in their first year. I’m awesome and everything is awesome. Who let this guy in?

“People are tired of covid. What do restrictions look like in a year?”

We need to get more people vaccinated. Also we have this sweet new Pfizer pill, so that’s dope too. But it’s not sufficient to just get rid of covid in America, we need to vaccinate everybody in the world. Then there won’t be any more variants. It’s not enough to just do it in America. That’s why we’re buying more vaccines for everybody in the world with American taxpayer money.

“Polls say you suck, what you do you say?”

“I don’t believe the polls.” (Actual quote)

“Dude, kids under 5 still aren’t vaccinated! When are we going to be able to jab our toddlers?”

Oh, that’s on the agenda, don’t you worry.

“You were VP for Obama when the GOP stonewalled everything. Why did you expect anything differently?”

Well now the GOP doesn’t even stand for anything. They are real assholes now! I don’t even know what they are for, because my handlers don’t allow me onto the internet. How could they not see the riots and think there was a problem? I mean the one riot, not the others.

“The GOP will say you guys kept schools closed. That has traction. Could that be an issue?”

It could be. That’s why I want all the schools open. Those fucking teachers’ unions have us by the balls, though. The parents are wising up and don’t like it. But this is really because Republicans are evil and have bad motivations. Voters will see right through the bullshit, like they did in Virginia.

Cable news is dying, so they gotta run all this clickbait bullshit and disinformation. You sort of have to acknowledge that the media is fake news now. It’s because of the Internet and all these channels.

“Who’s responsible for all the bullshit guidance surrounding the coronavirus? Everybody’s confused but you say you’re happy with your team.”

The Science is always changing. But then it’s settled and you can’t question it anymore, until it changes. Only our scientists can change The Science. Our new people are pretty bad at lying, so obviously the message will be confused from time to time. But this is totally new shit, covid has acted unlike anything else in history, most of which I personally witnessed. Or did I mention that already?

It sure was crazy how fast the vaccine was ready! Really crazy. Almost like it was ready beforehand. Super awesome for us. And Pfizer.

Okay this is more standing than I’ve done in a long long time, so I’m out. Peace.

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I had no idea what I was getting into here. Apologies for errors and the length!

Edit: Here’s the video of the actual press conference. If somebody finds a non-YouTube link, please let me know.