2024 Presidential Debate: A Battle for the Aged
It’s finally time for the first debate of the 2024 election featuring either of the two frontrunners for the presidency — don’t get too excited, now. Tonight’s debate is hosted by CNN and features Donald Trump and Joe Biden, as well as moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash.
New for this election’s debates: No live audience, mute-able microphones, commercial breaks, and a lack of opening statements. This makes it the most moderated debate I can remember.
Jake Tapper: Welcome, candidates. Our first question is about the economy, specifically inflation. Food prices are up 20% and home prices are up 30%. What’s up with that, Jack?
Joe Biden: Obviously this is Trump’s fault. Trump screwed up covid and told people to inject bleach. The unemployment rate was like 15%. I fixed it all, but there’s still more to be done because I didn’t actually fix it all. Remember when I was young and we weren’t rich yet? Well, it was a long time ago, I understand if you don’t actually remember. I don’t. Anyway, Trump was super bad but I fixed it. Seniors are getting cheap drugs!
Donald Trump: My economy was the greatest economy in the history of the world. Nobody thought the economy could be so good. Then there was covid, and that kind of screwed everything up — but I fixed it. The vaccine was out, but then he did the mandates. All the job gains are just the jobs they killed during lockdowns.
JB: Nobody else thinks the economy was good, not like now. He just paid off the rich people — I would never do something like that! Trump didn’t even get us out of Afghanistan! No troops are dying under my watch!
JT: Won’t tariffs raise prices?
DT: No, other countries pay that. Getting back to Joe’s statement, I cut taxes for everybody and the economy really was good, but then he screwed it up! Inflation was all him.
JT: You guys are both pretty bad on the economy. Trump, you want to extend tax cuts. Why?
DT: Taxes are bad, Jake. Government blows your money, when there’s less taxes, there’s a better economy. That’s why you make them permanent. Use the energy we have under the ground! The economy was great, but then Biden screwed it up. And more people died under Biden’s administration, and he did a mandate! That’s what people didn’t like about the vaccine, the mandate! Now people laugh at us because Joe’s a joke. Biden’s terrible. Why did he open the border?
JT: We’re not going to talk about immigration now. Joe, please respond.
JB: The tax cuts were just for the rich! We have a thousand trillionaires in America! Err…billionaires. If we raised their taxes we could raise 500 million dollars! Err….500 billion dollars. Numbers are hard, guys. I really kicked ass during covid. Err….we did so good. Look. We beat Medicare…..
JT: THANK YOU MR BIDEN, TRUMP WOULD YOU LIKE TO RESPOND
DT: Yeah, he beat Medicare right into the ground by giving benefits to illegals. That’s why people laugh at us.
Dana Bash: ABORTION! ABORTION! ABORTION! Your thoughts?
DT: I won’t block abortion pills. We put the issue back to the states where it belongs. So when I put people on the Supreme Court, that’s what they did. Everybody wanted the states to handle it, and they are. That’s how the country works. The problem with Biden’s view is that they want abortion right up until birth — that’s a problem.
JB: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! Everybody loved Roe when it was the law! In some states you can’t have an abortion after 6 weeks! This is murder, like the girl who was murdered by an illegal. But they’re way more likely to get murdered by their families. Checkmate, Jack.
DB: THANK YOU.
DT: Uh…the illegals that you let in are killing a lot of people and they shouldn’t be here. Even the founders would have wanted abortion handled by the states. Only I could do that.
DB: MORE ABORTION! Seven states have no restrictions on late-term abortion. Should there be?
JB: I SUPPORT ROE V. WADE! There were rules back then and it was fine! The idea that the founders like states rights is ridiculous. We are gonna get Roe V. Wade back!
DT: Some states have no restrictions, that’s terrible. Nobody wants that!
JB: Roe doesn’t allow that! We’re not for late-term abortion. Period. Period. (Did Joe just end his campaign?) MAGA wants a universal ban, he wants to sign it!
JT: Let’s turn to immigration. It’s bad, Joe. What say you?
JB: Have you heard about the bipartisan bill that Trump stopped? It’s the strongest border bill ever! When Trump was president, he puts kids in cages! But when I changed the law, we have less people coming than when he was in office!
DT: I couldn’t really understand that. When I left, the border was awesome. He opened it up right away, and now terrorists are coming from everywhere and just walking into the open border. I didn’t have legislation just like he didn’t, so I just did it. I fixed it, he wrecked it.
JB: YOU LET THE TERRORISTS IN! That’s the only one! Well, I’m not saying none, but he’s still lying.
JT: You want to deport illegals — all of them?
DT: I killed terrorists, his border lets them in. They’re killing Americans! His policy is getting people killed! You read a new story like every day! We gotta get ‘em out! They’re living in luxury hotels while our vets are dying on the street! He hates the troops. They loved me. Troops hate him.
JB: He’s lying. I got insurance to our troops because of burn pits! My son went to Iraq and got cancer! I went to France and spoke about the funerals that died — the ones that you called suckers and losers!
DT: I never said that and everybody knows this. Not even Joe Biden would gaffe that hard. It was made up like Russia Russia Russia and the 51 intelligence agents that lied for HIM. Biden should apologize for that.
JB: That’s not gonna happen, Jack. I am the one who really cares about our veterans! My VA is the best VA ever!
DB: Russia is still fighting Ukraine. What do you think?
DT: The troops still hate Joe Biden. A real president would be able to stop the war before it happened. Putin did nothing while I was president. I think what happened is that when Joe fucked up Afghanistan, Russia knew they could do whatever they want. We left all our stuff over there, and Americans too. Dummy. If I was president, this would have never happened. I stole all Iran’s money.
JB: That’s so much malarkey! Iran attacked our troops and gave them brain damage, but this guy didn’t do anything! Also, maybe we didn’t get EVERYBODY out of Afghanistan, but we got a lot of them! Trump said Putin should do whatever he wanted!
DB: What about Putin’s terms. Are they acceptable?
DT: No way, but this guy just keeps shoving money into the pit that is Ukraine. We shouldn’t be spending money on this war. I’ll fix it before I even take office.
JB: Putin is a war criminal! He wants to reestablish the Soviet Empire! Once he takes Ukraine, he’ll take Poland! That’s a war! Also, we don’t send Ukraine money anymore, we just sell them weapons. That’s way better.
DB: Americans are still held hostage in Gaza. President Biden, you’re trying to end this but haven’t gotten it done. What are you gonna do?
JB: Everybody loves my plan. First, we get the hostages and a ceasefire — then we end the war. Hamas doesn’t want that. I give Israel everything they want except huge bombs. I hate Iran, too. We saved Israel! We love Israel! We can’t allow Hamas to exist, we can do it like we got Bin Laden.
DT: Going back to Ukraine — why doesn’t Joe make Europe pay up for this war? It’s sort of their war, you know? But Israel wants to keep fighting too, and we should let them finish the job.
JB: This guy wants to get out of NATO! What if Russia goes into NATO? Then there will be nuclear war! We have to stop Putin before he goes into Poland, idiot! That would be World War III — we have to declare war on Russia before that happens!
DT: So make them pay for it. I made the most wonderful trade agreements in history. People in NATO asked me if I would protect them. I said they had to pay up — and they did. We just pay everybody’s bills now.
JT: We’re going to turn to January 6th, when your supporters who rushed the capitol. Wasn’t it the greatest betrayal ever?
DT: On January 6th, we were the greatest country in the world. Now everybody laughs at us.
JT: WASN’T IT THE GREATEST BETRAYAL EVER?
DT: I said everybody should go peacefully. Nancy Pelosi refused the additional National Guard and then blamed it on me? Everybody knew it was going to be a lot of people, but Pelosi refused.
JB: He encouraged people to insurrection! He just sat there watching the whole thing happening and didn’t make it stop! (Except the video in the middle that got yanked, lol) He wants to pardon them all! THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN JAIL! And he said if he loses again there’s gonna be a bloodbath!
DT: Places like Portland are ruined. Minneapolis. Ruined. Seattle. They didn’t want the National Guard. Everybody knows the January 6th Committee was BS, that’s why they deleted the evidence.
JB: YOU’RE A CONVICTED FELON AND A LIAR. He didn’t do ANYTHING on January 6th! (Once again, except for the video telling people to go home that was pulled after like 5 minutes.) He won’t denounce white supremacists!
JT: What do you mean that you’ll go after your political opponents?
DT: My revenge will be success. Joe’s son is a convicted felon. We all know that Biden is a criminal, it’s on tape. A billion dollars.
JB: I didn’t do anything wrong! You can’t seek retribution on your political opponents just because you’re president! (Yes, he really said this.) You have sex with pornstars! You’re like an alleycat.
DT: I didn’t have sex with a porn star, but everybody knows Biden is behind all these prosecutions — but that all backfired because the public knows that it’s all bullshit. We raised the most money in the history of everything.
DT: You said Donald Trump and his MAGA Republicans want to destroy American democracy?
JB: Oh yeah, there’s so many more cases. Can you imagine a president saying that they’ll go after their political opponents? Nobody would ever do that. I got into the race because of Charlottesville! He said they were fine people! Carrying swastikas! This guy loves Hitler!
DT: LOL Even Snopes knows that’s bullshit — just read the transcript. Why are we still talking about this? Because we can’t talk about Joe’s record.
JB: IT HAPPENED! JUST LISTEN TO THE TAPE! Also I never said Charlottesville was the reason I ran, I ran because he said Nazis are fine people! We saw January 6th! Nobody likes him!
BREAK TIME
Thoughts so far: No surprise that Biden is leaning into the past, especially the ‘hoaxes’ about the very fine people and ‘suckers and losers’. I expect people are already preparing the video of Biden saying “LISTEN TO THE TAPE” right along with the tape in question…..that won’t be good for Biden. He’s really just trying to paint Trump as a terrible person. Biden is also hard to understand and stumbling over his words badly.
Trump is doing better than I expected. On the attack without looking unhinged for the most part.
DB: Let’s talk about your first term challenges. Biden, black families earn less than white families and black people go to jail more? How do you solve this?
JB: Well, I actually already fixed this. Black small businesses are on the rise, and we’re finding housing for black people. Also, we have to do something about child care costs. Apply for benefits, people! Your life will be better!
DB: Black voters are disappointed. What do you say?
JB: They should be disappointed. Inflation is terrible. My idea is to give them $10,000 for a house, also pay their student loans.
DT: He’s blaming inflation, but he caused it. It’s killing black families and Hispanic families! He did it. I had perfect inflation, but then he just spent a ton of cash on his Green New Scam. The people that are coming through the border and taking black and Hispanic jobs.
JB: There was no inflation when I started because the economy was so bad! Terrible unemployment rates! I made people get jobs! He wants to get rid of Obamacare! I funded the police, he wants to defund them! He caused the inflation that showed up when I was president!
DB: CLIMATE CHANGE!
DT: All the police groups love me. Also, he called black people superpredators. (Biden’s facial expression in response is hilarious). Black people love me! He’s done a terrible job for black people, but it’s going to get a lot worse.
DB: But climate change?
DT: I want the cleanest water in the history of water. My environmental scores were amazing!
JB: I spent more money on climate change than anybody in history! I also spent the most money on black colleges! He never had clean water! What the fuck is that even about? Climate change is the worst thing in the history of everything and he wants to do nothing!
DT: The Paris Accord was terrible. I reduced the price of insulin. I want to take care of people, but he’s destroying Social Security by letting in millions of people.
JB: We pollute a lot, we gotta fix that! We’re already doing it, but we gotta do it more! And we will! This guy doesn’t care about you, he’s terrible. And I made insulin cheaper!
JT: Old people are having a rough time. How will you save Social Security?
JB: We’re gonna make the rich people pay into the system! Everybody else has to pay! He wants to kill Social Security, but I will save it by making the rich people pay! He doesn’t love seniors! We got people insurance! I’m paying tuition!
DT: I’ve never seen anybody lie like Joe lies. Losers and suckers is a lie. He’s destroying Social Security by importing people and putting them on the programs. People are angry about this.
JB: The veterans are getting taken care of! Immigrants are taking our jobs, sure, but the economy is AWESOME! If we elect Trump again, there will be a recession. There will never be a recession under my administration, because I’ll just say it’s not one. He even said he fired the general who leaked the suckers and losers comment!
DT: I tried to drain the swamp. You gotta fire people. We’re up here wasting our time, the country is being destroyed because he’s the worst president ever. He wants open borders. If he wins this election, we’re done.
JB: Everybody loves us! The United States of America! We’re the best at everything! We scare the whole world! Go online, people say Trump was the worst president ever! That’s a fact! He didn’t help child care costs go down by paying having taxpayers pay that child care!
DT: He wants everybody to pay more taxes! When you cut taxes, the economy works better. That’s why he’s the worst president ever!
JB: He’s the one who wants to raise taxes on the middle class! Tariffs will raise prices, and raised prices are bad for this question! He wants another tax cut! Who’s ever heard of such malarkey before? I fixed the trade deficit!
JT: Let’s talk about drug overdoses. They’re on the rise. What will you do about it?
DT: No, let’s talk about China and how they’re running over Biden.
JT: Uh….what are you going to do about the drugs?
DT: We were doing great until covid. Drugs are pouring across the border. We were doing well, and then the numbers went crazy when he took office. That’s drugs and human trafficking. Gotta stop that.
JB: I fixed the drug problem with huge machines. That was part of the border bill that he shot down. But we need the fentanyl machines!
DT: You gotta stop the drugs from getting in. Duh. I’m gonna save our reporter in Russia. I pay way less ransom than he does.
DB: President Biden, you’d be 86 at the end of your second term. Isn’t that crazy?
JB: Well, actually I am the youngest politician in government. Well, I was 50 years ago. I’ll spend however much money as we have to. Computer chips. He sent your jobs overseas, but I went to South Korea and got us jobs. Good jobs!
DB: You still have 40 seconds.
JB: We’re not a failed country. Everybody loves us and we’re the strongest. All our allies trust us. He sends love letters to dictators.
DT: I took tests and aced them. I take good care of myself and I win at golf. I feel good, so I think I could do it. Also, you can see me talking like every day.
JB: He’s only 6’5” 235 pounds! We can play golf any time, when I was Vice President I had a six handicap! Can you even carry your own bags, bro?
DB: Will you accept the results of the election and denounce political violence?
DT: I’ll accept a free and fair election, sure. It’s sort of weird. Of course I’ll denounce violence, I do that all the time, but you never show that. Just like you don’t show people being ushered into the Capitol on January 6th. I wish he was good at this so I could retire, but he’s not so I’m here. He’s going to drive us into World War III.
JB: No, World War III happens when Russia rolls over Ukraine and then takes out Poland! Everybody wants to be me! Because of the American people! We need to protect the world!
DB: But will you accept the results?
DT: The war would have never started if I was president. Ukraine is running out of people and Biden’s fault.
DB: But will you accept the results?
DT: If it’s fair and legal, sure. I said that. But 2020 was all fucked up, everybody knows it. I don’t really wanna be here, but Biden sucks at being president. He’s gotta use lawfare.
JB: Oh, we’ll see the numbers you whiner! When you lost you appealed all over and you lost every single case. (Not true.) 2020 was the cleanest election ever, and you won’t accept losing next time.
BREAK TIME
Time for closing statements. Biden, you’re up.
JB: I did a great job after this guy screwed everything up. We gotta fix the tax system. I won’t increase your taxes, but this guy wants to increase your taxes! He caused the inflation by screwing up covid! And tariffs are taxes! (Yes.) I negotiate with Big Pharma! I reduced prices of insulin! That reduced our debt by $160 billion over a decade! He wants to get rid of all that! I want to pay your child care! I’ll fix your lead pipes! I’ll fix inflation!
DT: This guy just complains all the time. If he wants to do stuff, why doesn’t he do stuff? He opened the border and ruined our economy. He’s responsible for Israel. He’s responsible for Ukraine. Everybody’s rioting across the country because they don’t respect you. I was the best president in the history of everything. I cut taxes and regulations. Nobody’s ever even seen it before. I did everything for the military, too. They don’t have to go to the VA anymore. That’s why the troops love me.
So painful. Ko-fi tips will NOT be spent on coffee.
Watch the whole debate — if you can:
”Joe Beats Medicare”
“We’re still far from our convention, and there is time for this party to figure out a different way forward if he will allow us to do that.”
If I had known that Biden would repeat "THE IDEA" a million times, I would have included it early and often :(
Wow. The post-game spin seems to be "Biden needs to go", which doesn't surprise me considering he wasn't juiced up like the State of the Union. This is what CNN is talking about........ Perhaps this early debate date really was to set up the switch.
A couple final thoughts before bed:
1) The Democrats are about to complete an primary season in which they steadfastly refused to give voters an option other than Joe Biden, only to replace him. They did all this while bleating about protecting democracy.
2) It must feel real good in the media to be able to talk about Biden's inability to be president, but notice they aren't asking WHO IS ACTUALLY RUNNING THE COUNTRY? They're still running the DNC playbook, no doubt about it.